Forgive-broken heart

Breaking Up During the Season of JoyThis year, instead of a house filled with delight and stockings full of gifts, home for the holidays is taking on a new meaning. Your relationship has been given its walking papers, and suddenly, all you want for the holidays is a shelter from the storm and a soft place to curl up and retreat.

It doesn’t matter if it was a long marriage or a short-lived relationship, if you cared and connected, you may feel like you are on a sleigh ride without the runners, the snow, or even the bells. What was once a season that was joyful and bright has now lost all its charm!

Grieving over your love loss any time of the year is challenging enough, but the holidays bring another dimension of “shell-shock” and darkness to an already stressful time.

Trust me, as a relationship therapist, divorce mediator and a veteran of two divorces myself, I’ve seen it all and I get it. What works in getting over a breakup is a holistic approach addressing four core areas: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The following are highly effective strategies from the healing section my book Chatting or Cheating, using each of those four core areas to get you on the road to recovery from that breakup — fast.

PHYSICAL

1. Meditate, don’t medicate. Avoid overusing drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and coffee, and resist the urge to stuff down your feelings using chocolate and food. You’ll only end up feeling worse about yourself. In times of stress, having an extra drink or two, another piece of cake, or downing a quart of ice cream may be tempting, but doing so will only cause you to spiral down into a depression, lose sleep, and gain weight. Instead, take five minutes to sit quietly, meditate, practice yoga or pick up a book that gives you a gift of knowledge, hope or inspiration.

2. Eat healthfully and regularly. Your body can’t function properly without the proper nutrition. Don’t skip meals or resort to convenience food. Treat yourself well; eat wholesome meals that are balanced and freshly made.

3. Get plenty of sleep. There’s nothing better than the gift of sleep to refresh your brain and your perspective. If you’re struggling with punishing, pain-producing thoughts that keep you awake, try this: Keep a journal by your bed, write down your anxieties and imagine them flowing out of you and onto the paper. Say, “I fully release you and let you go. I give myself permission to peacefully sleep.”

4. Exercise your blues away. The absence of pleasure-producing endorphins after a break up can make you feel sluggish and miserable. Exercise increases your endorphins. Join a health club, take the stairs instead of the elevator, walk to work, do some yoga, or take a salsa lesson. Make a promise to do something active for 30 minutes a day for 30 days, no excuses.

Ballerina  In Ballet Pose Classical DanceEMOTIONAL

5. First off, STOP scaring yourself!  NO! Your divorce is not the end of your life. It’s not the end of your family. It’s not the end of your happiness, and it’s not the end of having cheerful holidays. Your body automatically responds to the messages you say to yourself. Replace your negative thoughts with positive responses. Think positive. Think opportunity. “I can do this.” “I’ll get through this and move on!” ‘What doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger. I’m getting stronger and stronger.’

6. Feel your feelings. Don’t ignore or stuff them down. Let the tears flow and express your anger. Ignored emotions will only make you calloused and afraid. One way of unloading your feelings is to write out what might be too difficult to say out loud to others right now. Or better yet, start a dialogue with your broken heart, asking yourself questions and giving it the solace and attention it needs right now.

7. Surround yourself with smiles and happy vibes. Make time for uplifting things — anything from having a cup of tea with a friend, to appreciating the pretty lights on the houses and tress, to playing a round of golf or whatever you love to do. Be sure to surround yourself with people who are your true supporters. AND hang out with friends who make you laugh. Studies have shown that laughter, or just smiling, has a way of lifting your mood instantly. A funny movie or hilarious TV show is also good. It’s about making the conscious effort to choose activities and people that lift you up.

MENTAL

8. Stop obsessing.  Yes! Right now! All those obsessive thoughts and instant replays of “…would have, could have, should have”  head trips must stop NOW. The best way to do it is to say: “STOP!” If the thoughts won’t stop, then say, “NO! STOP NOW!” If they persist, then continue, “ENOUGH! NO MORE! STOP!”

Saying “STOP!” interrupts the obsessive thought process and breaks the cycle of pain. Immediately, redirect your thoughts away to something good that is happening in your life.

9. Take regular 60-second vacations. Relaxation is literally a breath away. Anytime you feel stressed, take a minute, slow down and breathe deeply. Thinking relaxing thoughts and verbalizing calming statements starts the healing process and helps you lessen anxiety. Take a deep breath and say out loud, “I am calm, I am safe and I can handle this.” Anything from smelling a flower to petting an animal can help take you away for even a minute, which starts the process of feeling free.

10. Set new goals.  You have a brand new year ahead. Where do you want to be this time next year? Use some of your alone time and mental powers to set goals and make plans for getting what you want out of the coming year.

Young healthy woman practicing yoga on the beach at sunsetSPIRITUAL  

11. Give to others. When you’re depressed, anxious or stressed, there is a high degree of focus on the self. Focusing on the needs of others literally helps shift your thinking and your mood from victimhood to empowerment. Studies show that the happiest people are ones who give the most to others, and what better time of year to put that into practice? Spreading light in the darkness is a practical way of raising your spirits, too.

12. Gratitude is grounding. Have you ever noticed that it’s impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time? Gratitude can transform pain into love and bring peace to your emotional chaos. Remind yourself of all the things you’re grateful for. Better yet, write it down. This strategy works miracles for bringing you out of any gloomy mood.

Instead of allowing yourself to be overwhelmed by the breakup blues or thoughts of being newly single, choose to do the activities that will help you feel better: exercise, visiting friends, being kind to yourself and those in need, giving and receiving gifts, etc.  The holidays aren’t wasted because you aren’t with your partner anymore. Instead, think of this time of year as an opportunity to reinvest in a healthier, more grounded and more spiritually enlightened YOU.

To see my original post of this article on Divorce Magazine, please click here



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posted by Dr. Sheri   | 3 Comment(s)

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heart in stethoscopeDr. Sheri’s Tips for Cutting Down the Clicks

Recovering from an Internet addiction is just like recovering from any other addiction. In addition to committing to Internet “rehab”, you’ll need to address the underlying problems that led to your becoming susceptible to it in the first place, such as boredom, anxiety and depression.

Tip #1: Build up your “real life” social network. Quality real life relationships can lessen your need for online relationships.  Set aside time daily to spend totally UNPLUGGED with friends and family. 

Tip #2: Set use goals and stick to them. Limit the amount of time you spend online with the help of a timer. Commit to turning off your computer, tablet or smartphone after a certain hour in the evenings and spend that time with your family instead.

Tip #3: Treat the Internet as a tool, not as a best friend.  Technology has become an indispensible pipeline of information  and interaction and thus, is hard, if not impossible to give it up entirely. Be mindful of the exact reason you’re getting online and stick to that reason. Don’t let a check of the weekend weather turn into a two-hour stint following threads on Facebook.

Tip #4: Alter your routine, break your usage patterns.  Take note of the times of day you’re most vulnerable to mindlessly surfing the Internet and then take action to disrupt those habits with alternative behavior: take a walk, call a friend, play with your kids or pets, or run an errand. 

Just like any other addiction, there will be withdrawal symptoms when you take away the drug of choice—in this case, the dopamine hit you get from Internet use. You’ll look for ways to justify going back to it, and you’ll have slip ups every now and then. The key is to not let small setbacks lead to a major failure. Be compassionate with yourself and ask for help when you need it. Take it one day at a time. Eventually, you’ll find yourself able to enjoy the Internet and social media for what it was intended to be—a tool that adds fun and interest to everyday life—and not something that it was never intended to be—an escape from everyday life.

Do you have any advice for overcoming addiction?

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers, America’s leading love and intimacy expert, and published on the Katie Show.  To see the ORIGINAL post please click here.

 



3 Responses to INTERNET REHAB: How To Break Your Addictive Patterns

  1. Erica says:

    What a great list! Between online dating, working from home, shopping online, and keeping up with friends on Facebook, it seems that everything that I do lately is online. I grew up camping and hiking and I couldn’t tell you for the life of me that last time I had on a good pair of boots and was away from the internet for an entire weekend. It’s a tough habit to break.

    • queenbee says:

      I grew up exactly the same way and so did my husband. About a year ago we decided to put an end to it and picked up mountain biking. It has seriously changed our entire lives. Not only how we spend our time but also how we interact with each other. Before we would just spend hours on the computer every night before limping off to bed. Needless to say it’s a lot better now =)

  2. becky says:

    its crazy how much of an issue this has become lately. it used to be that people would just go outside or go to their neighbors house for updates on the neighborhood gossip, now everyone just looks online for everything. I wish we could return to the days before the internet when everyone actually talked to each other! wouldn’t that be strange? I would miss being able to check my facebook though.

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 Dr. Sheri’s LOVE BOOST QUICK TIP

DrSheri.com_Love FlorishesHAPPY COUPLES OFTEN HAVE A SECRET CODE for expressing their affection and saying “I love you.” “I value you.” “YOU are important to me.”

It can a gentle touch when walking by, a wink and a certain smile,  a pet name you’ve created for  each other,  holding hands and squeezing three times,  a  random “thinking of you” love text sent during the day or a certain loving ritual you do together or for each other.  
 
Having a special love code that’s just between the two of YOU allows you to have private moments together even while in a crowded room, a busy workplace, caught up spinning numerous plates, or starting each day with a sense of union and love.
For example, my beloved, Jonathon wakes up earlier than I do.  Each morning when I come downstairs, he  has the hot water boiling and my favorite tea ready and waiting for me.  Sometimes, but NOT ALWAYS, there’s a love note hiding inside my cup.  This little ritual touches my heart and starts each morning with a reminder of our conneciton and HIS loving care.
Whatever your code is, these sweet gestures are intimate and bonding and help to keep the consciousness of love flowing and present.   

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL LOVE CODE with your sweetheart?   What is it?  Please share below. 
heart in stethoscope
With love,
 XOXO
 Dr. Sheri

 

 

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers Psy.D., America’s leading love and intimacy expert.


3 Responses to What Happy Couples Know and Do

  1. hopemywifesees! says:

    My wife and I have a lot of little loves codes, though some of them are stranger than others. As funny as it sounds, it means the world to my wife when I put toothpaste on her toothbrush before going to bed. Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, it is kind of weird, but let me try and explain. I work four or five days a week in a very stressful position in a major metropolitan hospital. They are twelve hour shifts and truth be told sometimes I feel like they nearly kill me. I wake up at 4:30 every morning, work my self silly, and don’t get home until around 8:00 that night. The only thing I want to do what I get home is get a quick bite to eat and hit the sack before having to do it all over again the next day.

    My wonderful realizes this, which is why I think she loves it when I take the extra seven seconds before passing out to put toothpaste on her toothbrush so she won’t have to when she comes to bed a few hours later. It’s simple, but it’s my simple way of saying, “Even though I’m totally exhausted, I’m still thinking of little things I can do to make your life easier because I love you.”

    Thank you Dr. Sheri for sharing you little love code and for letting me share mine!

    • Dr. Sheri says:

      Dearest Hope,
      Thanks for sharing your LOVE CODE! You’re right, that no matter how exhausted we are, it doesn’t take much to give each other the 3 A’s (attention, appreciation, and affection) that keep a relationship thriving and strong. Our LOVE CODES do that for us, in a quick and intimate way. Blessings to you and your beloved.

  2. Gloria Edwards says:

    I am coming up on my 40th wedding anniversary with my husband and I’ve got to say if I’ve learned anything in all those years, it’s that this is spot on. It’s all about the little things. The coat rack we have at our house is a little too tall for me, though many things are nowadays. My husband always makes sure to grab my coat for me before we leave and place it back after we’ve returned because I can’t reach it. He’s been doing it for years and every time with a smile. I believe you’ve got it right Dr. Sheri.

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Couple man carrying woman

Couple man carrying womanRemember a time when you couldn’t keep your hands off your partner?

One look, one touch, and you’d spend all day glowing in what felt like an all-consuming passion. You seemed to have endless energy and time for romance and lovemaking.

But, now that you’ve been together a while, things have changed.

Your days are now filled with to-do lists and social obligations rather than steamy all-nighters and poetic love notes. When your partner caresses you, you might get sleepy rather than turned on. A nap, posting on Facebook or watching TV might sound better than sex.

You love your partner, but maybe you’re just not “feeling it” anymore.

When we first fall in love, the romantic thrill happens effortlessly because pleasure-boosting hormones create a neuro-chemical cocktail that drive us toward greater intimacy.  Nothing is more important than being with that one person who makes you feel like you’re on fire. It certainly didn’t take planning or feel like work to keep the flames of lust burning and your interest in one another growing.

Unfortunately, this euphoria rarely last forever especially when the demands and responsibilities of real life take over.

Suddenly, there’s precious little time or energy left over in your day for an affectionate caress, an intimate conversation, or a night of romance. It isn’t long before your partner seems more like a roommate than a lover.  You lay down each night next to a person who feels miles away from you. You begin to wonder if you even know each other anymore.  When this emotional disconnect starts to happen,  you’re treading into the danger zone.

For monogamous couples, is it just a matter of time before the romance is dead and the relationship begins to drift apart?

Not necessarily. It depends on the little things you do on a daily basis that can mean the difference between a passionate, thriving relationship and one that’s on a slow death walk towards infidelity or divorce.

Is it really possible to keep the passion and romance alive after 5, 10, 20 years together?         

Absolutely!!

Giving each other a daily dose of what I call the 3 A’sATTENTION, APPRECIATION and AFFECTIONare the critical factors in keeping any relationship alive with interest, desire and love.

If a nap,(watching tv, being on Facebook, working overtime,  chatting with friends) sounds better than making love to you… APPLY these 6 strategies to get the enthusiasm and closeness back PRONTO! 

Text I love you1. Show your love in small ways.

Try this. Leave a love note on their pillow, stuck in their purse, briefcase or book they’re reading. Bring home a special treat you know your partner will love. Text, call or email them to say, “I’m thinking of you.”  Write a list of all the reasons you love and appreciate them and whisper each one into their ear. Sometimes it’s the little gestures that make the biggest impression.

2. Shake things up.   

Break through the ho-hum “I’m so bored” barrier that often plagues long-term relationships byCouple playing at beach learning something or doing something new together. Sharing activities of mutual interest is the glue that makes relationship work and create happiness.    Go ice skating, take a salsa lesson, rent rollerblades, go for a full moon hike, rent a bicycle built for two, or celebrate a milestone other than your anniversary—like the anniversary of the first day you made love.  It’s amazing what getting out of your normal routine and pushing your comfort boundaries will do for your love life.

You are BEAUTIFUL3. Be generous with praise.

What you focus your attention on, grows.  Say “thank you,” offer a hug, pay your partner a compliment—anything that communicates you acknowledge and value how important they are to you and that you appreciate them. Accentuating the positive and what is good in each other and in the relationship is a win/win for both partners. When you feel grateful for the good things in your life, you attract more of those good things to you.

holding hands

4. Touch and embrace often.

So many couples hold back kissing, touching, or holding each other until they have time or the desire to have sex.   Researchers have found that  holding hands relieves stress and affectionate touch boosts the body’s feel good hormones.  Let’s face it, touch is a fundamental part of our existence since we were born. So even a simple hug each day is actually good for your health and wellbeing.    Hold hands.   Stroke your partner’s arm or shoulder softly as you walk by. Give your partner a 20 second kiss when they walk in the door or are leaving for the day.   Affection is the way to make love all day outside of the bedroom.

5. Create intimate time.

couple laughing in bed

Nothing says “I love you” like spending quality alone time together.  Before rushing out the door in a frenzy in the morning, get up one hour earlier and share breakfast in bed, read an inspirational passage aloud,  or go for an early morning walk.  At the end of the day, instead of plunking down in front of the TV or computer,  give each other a massage, take a shower together or do something novel like reading erotic literature out loud or telling each other steamy stories before turning in for the night.   Carving out time during the day to be intimate and present to your partner strengthens your bond and builds the desire for affection, setting the stage for great lovemaking.

Couple Relaxing on Couch6. Communicate clearly, honestly and frequently

Talking to each other is one the main tools we use to connect with each other.  When  we extend ourselves and let our partner know who we are, what we need and how we feel, we open the doors to greater intimacy.  Take at least 30 minutes and put out your ‘do not disturb sign’ to the world. Turn off the phone, close the door, and tell the kids, unless there is an emergency, not to even think about knocking. Then, sit down and take a few minutes to breathe and settle in with each other. Ask your partner what he or she needs from you.  Take turns. Openness and honesty are essential. The goal is to show more and see more of each other, rather than defend the status quo. It takes time and patience but is worth it.

You get out of your relationship what you invest into it.

When you make daily love “deposits” of attention, appreciation and affection into your relationship account,  you’ll be able to maintain a healthy and sexy love “balance”. By following these six simple strategies and making love a priority in your life, everything else in your life will feel a whole lot sweeter.

 

This article, written by Dr. Sheri Meyers, America’s leading love and intimacy expert, was originally posted on The HuffingtonPost. 

 



2 Responses to 6 Passion Boosting Tips to Bring LOVE Back to Your LOVE Life

  1. roxannesmith says:

    For a long time I feel like my husband and I struggled to regain the intimacy in our marriage that we once had. When we were young it was so easy like you said, but then after fifteen years and three kids, things kind of got left by the wayside. Eventually we both noticed it and sat down to talk about ways to get our fire back. Many of the things we talked about were exactly the same as what you mentioned above. In the end we took a vacation together, just the two of us, and started doing a lot of small things to remind each other that we were loved. If anyone else is having the same troubles that I was then let me say that the advice above is good and has certainly helped my marriage.

    • Dr. Sheri says:

      Dearest Roxanne,
      Here’s a basic truth. Relationship grows when we care. Closeness grows when we share. Bonding grows when we pair.
      So happy that you found the tips helpful and that you and your husband are investing in making the relationship between you work again.
      XO
      Dr. Sheri

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ricki-lake-backstage

Imagine for a moment that someone you met on Facebook sent you a message saying they thought you were incredibly sexy and attractive.

If you were in a committed, monogamous relationship and responded with your own flirtatious, suggestive comment, would that be chatting or cheating?

Ricki Lake recently invited me to appear on her show as an expert marriage and family therapist to advise a couple who were struggling through a similar situation.

The couple had been married for eleven years with three children. Gary, the husband, was spending a lot of time on Facebook, and his wife Janet noticed a flirtatious message he had sent to a single friend on the social media site.

Janet wanted to know, was Gary merely innocently chatting with his single friend or was the fact that he was flirting with her mean that he’d crossed the line into cheating?

In these sorts of situations, what I suggest is to apply the rule of the 3 S’s of emotional sex chemistry:

Secrecy: Is your partner keeping their actions and conversations with their “friend” secret from you?

Shared Intimacy: Are they talking about their innermost thoughts and feelings with this other person?

Sexual Energy: Is there sexual tension, flirting and arousal?

Unfortunately, Gary’s situation was applicable to all 3 S’s and that meant that he had crossed the line into cheating.

If you or your partner spend a lot of time on social media sites like Facebook, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re cheating. However, if you’re giving any one person a lot of attention, whether it’s through message boards, text messaging, or on Facebook and Twitter, it’s attention you’re taking away from the closeness you should be nurturing at home.

Every relationship needs a healthy investment of the 3 A’s: Affection, Appreciation and Attention. Simply living in the same house and sharing household responsibilities doesn’t automatically create a healthy relationship. When life gets dull, predictable or stressful, the desire to escape and seek excitement or distraction elsewhere can be overwhelming.

Fortunately, there are easy things you can do to put the spark back into your relationship that will demonstrate to your partner that you still love them, appreciate them and want to stay close:

1. Show your love in unexpected ways. Write a love note or draw a cute picture on a sticky note and place it on their car’s dashboard. Text them to tell them you miss them. Bring home a special treat you know they’ll love.

2. Shake things up. Do something new together. Take a salsa dancing class, rent a canoe, attend a concert, go for a full moon hike…be create with your time together. It’s amazing how busting out of the routine can spice up your love life.

3. Touch and embrace without an agenda. So many couples hold back kissing, touching, or holding each other until they have time or the desire to have sex, because they think that affection is just a prelude to sex. But hugging and cuddling is not only good for your relationship, it reduces stress and increases your wellbeing. Find ways to be affectionate throughout the day, every day.

In my book, “Chatting or Cheating” I explain the 6 top relationship problems that lead to infidelity and may be making you or your partner vulnerable to crossing the line from chatting to cheating online. I also go into depth about cyberchatting and virtual affairs on page 29, where you’ll learn the bio-chemical reasons why flirting with strangers online is so addictive and can very quickly lead to a real-life physical affair.

You get out of your relationship what you put into it. Make love a priority in your life and you’ll reap the sweet rewards in more ways than one.

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers Psy.D., America’s leading love and intimacy expert.



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communication-breakdown

Editor’s note: I was  thrilled to be asked to write an article on power struggles for the fine folks at SheKnows.com.  I hope you enjoy my article.

ENOUGH FIGHTING, ALREADY!

by Sheri Meyers, Psy.D

communication-breakdownYou’re in the middle of another argument with your partner. They’re driving you crazy. Can’t they see that you’re obviously right, and they’re so totally wrong? Their sense of logic confounds you. You can hardly believe that they aren’t budging from their stance. Why don’t they see that your way makes total sense, and their way is just, well… stupid?

You know it’s bad when even the smallest things start another round of bickering, tension and eye rolling — where to eat, what movie to see, whose responsibility is this or that, when-this-or-that was supposed to occur. What starts as a small difference in viewpoint ends up becoming a righteous, no-win, my way-or-the-highway yelling and screaming temper tantrum or an icy-cold freeze out. It feels like just a matter of time before either one of you decides that they no longer want to stick around.

The more you clash, the less attractive your partner seems. Doubts and judgments arise: “Are you and I compatible anymore?” “What on earth did I ever see in you?” “Why is it so damn hard to work things out?” You’re beginning to wonder if all this arguing, frustration, angry glares and/or punishing silent treatment are signs that it’s time to give up the fight and move on from the relationship.

When winning and being right becomes more important than being in love, the victory and temporary sense of righteousness is hollow and short lived. Once the dust settles, these win-lose battles often leave both partners wondering, “Where the hell did our love go?”

You might think breaking up is the only answer, given that you clearly have different values and priorities. But is it? Is there a way out of this vicious cycle?

The good news is there is a way to fix things.

How to recognize a power struggle

LOVE question mark

Power struggles are poison to maintaining a healthy, happy, open relationship. I painfully admit that I’ve been there. And my guess is, so have you.

But how do you know whether you’re experiencing a power struggle or just not seeing something eye-to-eye?

A good rule of thumb is that if you and your partner both feel that yours is the only correct solution, no matter how much evidence is presented to dispute it, chances are you are in a power struggle.

Here are the behavioral clues and cues to watch out for…

You are…

  • Not listening to each other.
  • Becoming defensive.
  • Feeling like you and your partner are on separate teams or planets.
  • Emotionally freezing up and shutting down OR arming up and preparing for a war.
  • Thinking “I’m right, you’re wrong.” “This is YOUR fault.” “YOU must change and do it my way or else.”
  • Answering yes to more than one of the above is a pretty good indicator that you and your partner are in the midst of a power struggle.

Here’s a surprising fact: Power struggles usually have very little to do with what you are actually arguing about! They have everything to do with how each of you feels about your place and position in the relationship.

holding handsThe power struggle’s secret agenda and your love opportunity

“Seeing others as basically compassionate instead of hostile and selfish helps us relax, trust, live at ease. It makes us happier.” — The 14th Dalai Lama

 

As a marriage and family therapist for over 20 years, I can tell you that most of the time, whatever is pushing your buttons is usually a reflection of your own unresolved hurts and beliefs that are silently screaming for attention and healing. No matter how distant, angry or closed you may be feeling in the moment, this can be a perfect opportunity to stop reacting and start reflecting on the source of your feelings.

To discontinue engaging in a power struggle, you need to move away from the adversarial energy of competition and control (Me vs. You, I’m the boss and you’re not, I’m better/smarter than you are) to one of cooperation and camaraderie (We are a team. We can work this out. I cherish you.).

Reconnection and the return to love can literally be just a heartbeat away. It involves taking a pause, becoming present and open to attune and commune in the spirit of curiosity, compassion and clemency. It’s about treating your partner as your best friend. It helps to remember a moment when you felt close and madly in love and begin to breathe that consciousness in.

 

hands forming heart

Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:

  • Why do I NEED to be right?
  • Is STICKING to my position that important?
  • Would I rather be RIGHT or HAPPY?
  • Is there room to LIGHTEN UP and relax about this?
  • If I could transform this moment, how would I want it to be?
  • If this was my BEST FRIEND, how would I behave?
  • What would it be like if I chose to BE THE GENEROUS, LOVING ONE?

A shift immediately happens when you can find the place (however small it is) where you understand and agree with your partner’s point of view. When either one of you withdraws your energy from proving the other wrong to searching for where you agree, the power struggle crumbles.

Once you find that small place of agreement, you have a choice. You can change your mind, stop reacting or change the subject. You can choose to learn something about yourself instead of being hell-bent on making your partner wrong. You can choose to let these struggles be a road to ruin or a path to self-understanding, deeper love and security in your relationship.

The power struggle challenge becomes a blessing when you use it as a catalyst for self-awareness, a call to heal and a springboard into a new, mature, balanced way of communicating and loving.

This article was written by Sheri Meyers, Psy.D., America’s leading love and intimacy expert, and first appeared on SheKnows.com



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playful

A Note from Dr. Sheri: I’m thrilled to have been asked to participate in this fun, interesting, and uplifting article by “She Knows” writer Jamie Beckman.  It certainly stimulated my bedroom creativity and I hope it does yours.   Enjoy!

You handle work, family and finances with finesse. You’re an alpha woman and  proud of it — but when it comes to hopping into the driver’s seat in the  bedroom, maybe you’re a little rusty. When it comes to sex, sometimes the little
things like initiating, saying exactly what you want and planning a sexy (not  cheesy) romantic night can be daunting. Here are some  fun and sexy secrets on how to step up, speak up and get the sex you’ve always wanted. Plus,  10 girl-in-control sex positions that’ll leave his (and your) heads spinning. 

HOW TO TAKE CHARGE BETWEEN THE SHEETS

playfulWhen it comes to sex, sometimes the little things like initiating, saying exactly what you want and planning a sexy (not cheesy) romantic night can be daunting. Sheri Meyers, Psy. D, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Chatting or Cheating, let us in on a few secrets on how to step up, speak up and get the sex you’ve always wanted.

Why it’s important to initiate sex

“If you’re normally the person who says ‘pass,’ ‘later’ or who rarely makes the first move, then your taking the action to initiate sex is often the biggest turn-on to your man because it communicates ‘I want you!'” Meyers says. “Most men say that being desired by their woman makes them [feel] cherished, manly and loved.

How to tell him what you want

“Show him,” Meyers says. “Men’s egos are often a little fragile in this area. So always start with a positive… what he does ‘oh so right,’ then show him via demonstrating on him or moving his hand to the place you want to be touched. Close it with a positive, letting him know he’s doing it right and it’s really turning you on. Men need reinforcement and positive feedback. Often, it’s our confidence and desire that is the sexiest thing a woman can wear to bed.

How to plan a special romp

Forget the to-dos. Postponing sex until all of the e-mails have been answered and the list of the day’s tasks has been checked off means you’ll never have sex. Instead, make a conscious effort to take a break for nookie.

“Put away the laptop and briefcase, turn off your cell phone, close the door to the day,” Meyers says. “Literally and figuratively hang a do-not-disturb sign to the world. Clearing the schedule is saying to yourself and your sweetheart, ‘Nothing is more important than you and us being together.'”

How to be more assertive in bed

” Men really do want to know how to please you. It makes them feel good to bring you to orgasm. It makes him feel more powerful and successful.”

Take your normal roles, and pull the old switcheroo to increase your pleasure, Meyers advises: “If you are an alpha woman in the work force, it’s important to let your man be the masculine/alpha in the bedroom.”

For better sex that you can suggest to him, think different. And if you shake things up, you have a better chance of return to that hot, hot sex you used to have — back before life got in the way.

“In [your] new relationship, spontaneous,  all-consuming ‘I can’t keep my hands off of you,’ ‘I want you so bad’ steamy all-nighters full of curiosity, hunger and discovery were naturally built in to the sexual mix,” Meyers says. “Over time, we fall into habit patterns and complacency. That’s why it’s important to change it up and approach sex as a new adventure and opportunity to discover a new position, sensation and way to touch each other.”

How do you do that? Think about why he’s hot to you — and remember that when you feel good, he’ll feel good.

“Look at his body anew,” Meyers suggests. “Kiss him in a new way and find a place on his body that you’ve never kissed before. Put on some music and do a lap dance, whisper into his ear how hot he is and tell him some things you’d like to do to him and with him. Watch a porno film together and talk about what turns you on. Then try it in bed. Men really do want to know how to please you. It makes them feel good to bring you to orgasm. It makes him feel more powerful and successful.”

Sounds like a win-win to us.

So, with those tips in mind, try out these 10 sex positions that are ideal for female pleasure, making you feel like a queen while you’re getting your kicks.

10 “power” sex positions (plus one crazy bonus position)

#1 – Modified missionary

“Practically any classic pose can be fine-tuned to give her a thrill,” says Lisa Sweet, author of 365 Sex Thrills. “All she needs to do is have the desire to go after her own pleasure by making a few simple adjustments. Raising her legs so that her feet are planted on his bottom will graze his pubic bone against her clitoris. Or she can raise her legs up — the higher she lifts them, the deeper the penetration against the front wall of her vagina, which is where her G-spot is.”

#2 – Deeper rear-entry

“This always feels like a rough-and-ready move, but she can make it her own by lying on her stomach and have him gently lie on top of her,” Sweet says. “This deepens the penetration while creating some fiery G-spot and clitoral sparks at the same time.”

#3 – Spooning

“This cuddly move gets a bad rap on the thrillometer scale,” Sweet says. “To amp it up, he can slip his fingers between her legs and fiddle with her diddle as he thrusts into her. Or she can just take care of business herself. Squeezing her thighs will help crank up the pleasure.”

#4 – Yab yum

“Classically, the man sits in the lotus posture with the woman astride,” say Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, authors of Great Sex Made Simple. “It can also be done cross-legged, and if that’s still uncomfortable, he can modify it further by sitting on a chair or the edge of a bed with his feet on the floor. This is a very intimate position because your bodies are aligned and close together. It’s great for gazing into each other’s eyes and for alternating between stillness and motion during lovemaking. Many people find it to be the most effective position for experiencing G-spot stimulation while having penetrative sex.”

#5 – Kali Asana

“This is a familiar female-superior position to many — the man lies on his back, and the woman sits astride,” says Michaels and Johnson. “It is often depicted in Tantric art, and its roots in the tradition are ancient. There are lots of ways to vary the experience and the sensations in this position — squatting, kneeling, keeping the body erect, leaning forward or slightly backward and kneeling on one side while keeping your foot flat on the other. A variety of movements are also possible — rocking, grinding or bouncing — and this too will produce different sensations. This position enables you to control the pace and also the depth of penetration. For many women, it provides the most direct clitoral stimulation, and it is also easy for the man to stimulate the clitoris, either manually or with a vibrator.”

#6 – Reverse cowgirl

“This is not really a traditional posture, but we like to think of it as a variant on Kali Asana,” say Michaels and Johnson. “This is a great one to use while facing a mirror, which will give you a clear view of what’s going on in the genital area while you’re making love, something that’s not easy in most positions. It’s also a position in which it’s easy to stimulate yourself manually. The angle of penetration and the stimulation it produces are also likely to give your partner some different sensations. Many men find reverse cowgirl to be very intense, so it’s a good idea to pay attention to how he’s responding.”

#7 – Taking a stand

“In this position, he braces his back against a wall, so she is ‘on top’ and moves up to him for entry — this is easier if she lifts one leg,” says Dr. Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations sex toy shop in San Francisco. “He can hold her leg up with one arm and embrace her (and help keep her pressed against him and in a stable position) with the other arm. If she arches back, she will bring their pelvises even closer together — and then he’ll be able to reach her breasts easily. Bonuses: great for eye contact, touch and kissing. Caution: When duration is desired, most people will decide to get horizontal eventually.” Bonus tip: “When he’s taller, he can spread his legs wider apart to lower his pelvis to a more accommodating height (or if they’re feeling pretty athletic, he can pick her up),” she says.

#8 – Head over heels

“Here’s an unusual and languid variation on the [woman on top] position,” says Dr. Queen. “From her perch kneeling on top of him, she places her ankles on his shoulders and lies back so she is either lying right on him (on her back — her back is on his thighs, her feet are on either side of his face), or, with a tilt to the side, this can become a variation on spooning: He’s tipped partly on his side, she is nestled up against him. Less eye contact in this position, but tons of opportunity to touch, especially clitoral touch. He can use her hips and thighs to pull her closer to him if deeper penetration or more vigorous movements are desired.” For more positions like described in numbers Seven and Eight, Dr. Queen recommends the book Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight.

#9 – Splitting the bamboo

“Another classic tantra position, this is a sort of a missionary position variant,” says Dr. Queen. “She lies on her back, but instead of lying on top of her, he kneels, his knees apart so his pelvis is low and he can enter her. She can reach his thighs to touch him (and use that grip as leverage to move) — her ankles on his shoulders, or one leg is bent so she can rest her foot flat on his chest and feel his heartbeat. Bonuses: great for eye contact, touch, toe- and foot-kissing.” For more like this position, she recommends the book The Modern Kama Sutra.

#10 – Sexy scissoring

“This is fab for its clitoral stimulation,” says Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright, Astroglide’s relationship and sexual wellness ambassador. “A gal starts in woman-on-top, but then lies back between her lover’s legs (which will arch her back). He can then easily stimulate her hot spots, working her more easily to orgasm.”

Crazy bonus position – Gyrating split

Difficulty: 10! Only for the strong-willed and adventurous!

“A flexible gal lies on top of her guy w/ both legs inside his,” says Dr. Fulbright. “She then gets into a split by bringing one leg up, putting half of her weight on her knee. She can then offer him her breast to kiss and suck on, which both will find super-hot.” You might want to do some deep stretching before trying this one on for size, but boy will his mind be blown…

This article is by Jamie Beckman and originally appeared on She Knows Love

Hey guys, want to know what it really takes to turn your woman on? Watch this.



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posted by Dr. Sheri   | 1 Comment(s)

get-the-romance-back

“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.” Amy Bloom

The “I’m so into you” kind of romantic, adoring love doesn’t naturally have to fade over time. It happens when we stop feeding our relationship with the nourishment it needs: Attention, Appreciation, and Affection. Think of these elements as the prime ingredients that feed the soul of our love.

Let me ask you 3 simple questions. Be honest.
On a daily basis how much…

  • Loving attention do you give and receive from your partner?
  • Appreciation do you give and receive from your partner?
  • Affection do you give and receive from your partner?

Giving and receiving positive Attention, Appreciation, and Affection is at the core of what FEELS LIKE LOVE to most of us on the deepest of levels.

These 3 relationship fundamentals powerfully express:

  • You are loved.
  • You are valued.
  • You are known.
  • You are accepted.

While GRAND GESTURES and celebrations are exciting and sensational, LOVE and INTIMACY grow strong, secure and feels safe in the STEADY, READY, & FRIENDLY arms of another’s loving Attention, Appreciation, and Affection. Daily exchanges of the 3A’s cultivate closeness, emotional safety, and more loving behavior.

Dr. Sheri’s 3 A’s Romance Repair Kit

Give Your Attention
couple guy hugging girl in kitchen
You FEEL what you FOCUS on.  

Where are you putting your attention?
If you focus on what is wrong or missing, those are the things that will dominate your perception and drag your energy and your relationship down.  When you direct your attention to loving your partner and celebrating  what is GOOD, LOVING and RIGHT, it will immediately shift your feelings and  improve your relationship.

What kind of daily attention do you give to romance and love in your relationship? 
Spending positive, quality time together, communicating, building your friendship, and having fun are all ways to give each other positive attention.      There are many ways to say and show “I love you.”   No matter how long you’ve been together, do you REALLY know what makes your partner feel most loved by you?  When you speak and show attention in the LOVE LANGUAGE of your partner’s heart, romance and intimacy flourish.

Show Your Appreciation
Gratitude_joy, love,appreciation
Recognize, Honor & Praise

Do This Appreciation Check In…

How does your partner know that he or she is valued by you?
Do you express your appreciation and gratitude to each other out loud?   How often?

In essence, appreciation involves looking for what is good versus what is bad. Let your partner know OUT LOUD when you are thinking GOOD things about them. It’s just being a little more generous with your praise, acknowledgement and gratitude.

And it’s so easy to do! It’s as simple as giving your partner a couple of compliments a day, a wink of recognition, a hug of thanks. It almost doesn’t matter what you focus on with your appreciation. “Wow, you look beautiful!” “I am so lucky to be with you.” or even  “Thank you for sweeping the floor, it looks great.”  It’s the recognition that you are appreciating and seeing how important your partner is to the mainstay of your relationship, and in your life.

That sort of seeing, acknowledging, and expression of positive regard communicates so much more than the words convey. The underlying core message you are sending is “I value you.” “You are important to me.” “What you’re doing is important for us.” “Because of you, my life is so much better.”  Your partner naturally feels more accepted, loved, and valued. This feeds romance more deliciously than a great dinner out on the town.

“Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life.”  Christiane Northrup 

Affection: Keep In Touch

Affection is the way to make love all day

Often, we think affection is sex, or a strategy for having sex. And, that’s certainly one way to communicate your love. But affection is touching heart to heart, not just body to body. It’s your words and open hearted gestures that say I love you and express closeness. It’s stroking each other as you walk by. It’s sending a kiss across the room. It’s making eye contact and really seeing each other. It’s hugging and holding each other. As a matter of fact, being affectionate is GOOD for your health and well being. Doctors have found that touching and being touched helps us to thrive. It takes little time to open our arms to one another and has huge benefits. Giving lots of warm hugs to your partner is a great way to strengthen your ability to give and receive affection.

“Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.” Tom Mullen



One Response to Losing Passion? How to Get the Romance Back

  1. marco says:

    I will try to be as short as possible:I am italian and at the end of the master in engineering at Georgia Tech I met her, she is also italian, same major as me, smart, 2 years older than me. for the first 3 months only friends, than something changed in me. I finished the master, I got hired in the US, while she went back to Italy. We had a strong bound but obviously due to the short period together she didn’t follow me her in the US even if she had a PhD offer at GT. Last October we broke up, I thought about the reason and worked on them already. After a month she got along with another guy who was so different from me I was sure it was just not to think about us (unconsciously), but it hurt me. Anyway they broke up 2 months ago, in the meanwhile I thought about the reason I feel for her such a strong feeling. I met other girls but not even all of them were able to give me the same as her. Now I am in Germany for 3 months attending a training and I decided I want her. I am going to meet her in the next 2/3 weeks but I don’t know how to approach her: 1) directly letting her understand what my feelings are: I will tell her to meet in a place we both had good memories ; 2) meet her in a coffee bar with other friends of us, like we are just friend…

    The fact is that I won’t have a lot of time to play any sort of game.

    What would you suggest?thanks in advance

    Marco

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posted by Dr. Sheri   | 0 Comment(s)

salvage-relationship-after-affair

I am often asked, is there a way to salvage our relationship after an affair? Is there hope? My answer is, “YES, you can heal!” “YES, you can salvage your relationship!” “There is hope!” I’ve personally counseled hundreds of couples who have successfully survived and thrived after an affair.

In the beginning, after the discovery of an affair, often there is ambivalence, trepidation and fear. It is natural to not feel 100% confident or motivated to repair, heal or trust again. You’ve been hurt and you don’t want to be hurt again. What is vital in the formula of healing is that you BOTH make a conscious decision to begin.

Please note the word BOTH. One person cannot do this alone. Healing can only begin AFTER the cheating partner gives up the lover or whatever the ‘act’ has been whether it be on the Internet, cybersex, prostitutes, an emotional affair, or one that turned physical. This is a non-negotiable.

Although you can’t go back and undo the past events, you can start from HERE to build a happier, more connected, responsive, honest and love-secure future together. THIS is a profound opportunity to transform the damaged dynamics that led to the affair and build a stronger, more secure and lovingly conscious relationship. The truth is that you have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain.

 



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