Remember a time when you couldn’t keep your hands off your partner?
One look, one touch, and you’d spend all day glowing in what felt like an all-consuming passion. You seemed to have endless energy and time for romance and lovemaking.
But, now that you’ve been together a while, things have changed.
Your days are now filled with to-do lists and social obligations rather than steamy all-nighters and poetic love notes. When your partner caresses you, you might get sleepy rather than turned on. A nap, posting on Facebook or watching TV might sound better than sex.
You love your partner, but maybe you’re just not “feeling it” anymore.
When we first fall in love, the romantic thrill happens effortlessly because pleasure-boosting hormones create a neuro-chemical cocktail that drive us toward greater intimacy. Nothing is more important than being with that one person who makes you feel like you’re on fire. It certainly didn’t take planning or feel like work to keep the flames of lust burning and your interest in one another growing.
Unfortunately, this euphoria rarely last forever especially when the demands and responsibilities of real life take over.
Suddenly, there’s precious little time or energy left over in your day for an affectionate caress, an intimate conversation, or a night of romance. It isn’t long before your partner seems more like a roommate than a lover. You lay down each night next to a person who feels miles away from you. You begin to wonder if you even know each other anymore. When this emotional disconnect starts to happen, you’re treading into the danger zone.
For monogamous couples, is it just a matter of time before the romance is dead and the relationship begins to drift apart?
Not necessarily. It depends on the little things you do on a daily basis that can mean the difference between a passionate, thriving relationship and one that’s on a slow death walk towards infidelity or divorce.
Is it really possible to keep the passion and romance alive after 5, 10, 20 years together?
Giving each other a daily dose of what I call the 3 A’s—ATTENTION, APPRECIATION and AFFECTION—are the critical factors in keeping any relationship alive with interest, desire and love.
If a nap,(watching tv, being on Facebook, working overtime, chatting with friends) sounds better than making love to you… APPLY these 6 strategies to get the enthusiasm and closeness back PRONTO!
Try this. Leave a love note on their pillow, stuck in their purse, briefcase or book they’re reading. Bring home a special treat you know your partner will love. Text, call or email them to say, “I’m thinking of you.” Write a list of all the reasons you love and appreciate them and whisper each one into their ear. Sometimes it’s the little gestures that make the biggest impression.
2. Shake things up.
Break through the ho-hum “I’m so bored” barrier that often plagues long-term relationships by learning something or doing something new together. Sharing activities of mutual interest is the glue that makes relationship work and create happiness. Go ice skating, take a salsa lesson, rent rollerblades, go for a full moon hike, rent a bicycle built for two, or celebrate a milestone other than your anniversary—like the anniversary of the first day you made love. It’s amazing what getting out of your normal routine and pushing your comfort boundaries will do for your love life.
What you focus your attention on, grows. Say “thank you,” offer a hug, pay your partner a compliment—anything that communicates you acknowledge and value how important they are to you and that you appreciate them. Accentuating the positive and what is good in each other and in the relationship is a win/win for both partners. When you feel grateful for the good things in your life, you attract more of those good things to you.
4. Touch and embrace often.
So many couples hold back kissing, touching, or holding each other until they have time or the desire to have sex. Researchers have found that holding hands relieves stress and affectionate touch boosts the body’s feel good hormones. Let’s face it, touch is a fundamental part of our existence since we were born. So even a simple hug each day is actually good for your health and wellbeing. Hold hands. Stroke your partner’s arm or shoulder softly as you walk by. Give your partner a 20 second kiss when they walk in the door or are leaving for the day. Affection is the way to make love all day outside of the bedroom.
5. Create intimate time.
Nothing says “I love you” like spending quality alone time together. Before rushing out the door in a frenzy in the morning, get up one hour earlier and share breakfast in bed, read an inspirational passage aloud, or go for an early morning walk. At the end of the day, instead of plunking down in front of the TV or computer, give each other a massage, take a shower together or do something novel like reading erotic literature out loud or telling each other steamy stories before turning in for the night. Carving out time during the day to be intimate and present to your partner strengthens your bond and builds the desire for affection, setting the stage for great lovemaking.
Talking to each other is one the main tools we use to connect with each other. When we extend ourselves and let our partner know who we are, what we need and how we feel, we open the doors to greater intimacy. Take at least 30 minutes and put out your ‘do not disturb sign’ to the world. Turn off the phone, close the door, and tell the kids, unless there is an emergency, not to even think about knocking. Then, sit down and take a few minutes to breathe and settle in with each other. Ask your partner what he or she needs from you. Take turns. Openness and honesty are essential. The goal is to show more and see more of each other, rather than defend the status quo. It takes time and patience but is worth it.
You get out of your relationship what you invest into it.
When you make daily love “deposits” of attention, appreciation and affection into your relationship account, you’ll be able to maintain a healthy and sexy love “balance”. By following these six simple strategies and making love a priority in your life, everything else in your life will feel a whole lot sweeter.
A Note from Dr. Sheri: I’m thrilled to have been asked to participate in this fun, interesting, and uplifting article by “She Knows” writer Jamie Beckman. It certainly stimulated my bedroom creativity and I hope it does yours. Enjoy!
You handle work, family and finances with finesse. You’re an alpha woman and proud of it — but when it comes to hopping into the driver’s seat in the bedroom, maybe you’re a little rusty. When it comes to sex, sometimes the little
things like initiating, saying exactly what you want and planning a sexy (not cheesy) romantic night can be daunting. Here are some fun and sexy secrets on how to step up, speak up and get the sex you’ve always wanted. Plus, 10 girl-in-control sex positions that’ll leave his (and your) heads spinning.
HOW TO TAKE CHARGE BETWEEN THE SHEETS
When it comes to sex, sometimes the little things like initiating, saying exactly what you want and planning a sexy (not cheesy) romantic night can be daunting. Sheri Meyers, Psy. D, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Chatting or Cheating, let us in on a few secrets on how to step up, speak up and get the sex you’ve always wanted.
Why it’s important to initiate sex
“If you’re normally the person who says ‘pass,’ ‘later’ or who rarely makes the first move, then your taking the action to initiate sex is often the biggest turn-on to your man because it communicates ‘I want you!'” Meyers says. “Most men say that being desired by their woman makes them [feel] cherished, manly and loved.
How to tell him what you want
“Show him,” Meyers says. “Men’s egos are often a little fragile in this area. So always start with a positive… what he does ‘oh so right,’ then show him via demonstrating on him or moving his hand to the place you want to be touched. Close it with a positive, letting him know he’s doing it right and it’s really turning you on. Men need reinforcement and positive feedback. Often, it’s our confidence and desire that is the sexiest thing a woman can wear to bed.
How to plan a special romp
Forget the to-dos. Postponing sex until all of the e-mails have been answered and the list of the day’s tasks has been checked off means you’ll never have sex. Instead, make a conscious effort to take a break for nookie.
“Put away the laptop and briefcase, turn off your cell phone, close the door to the day,” Meyers says. “Literally and figuratively hang a do-not-disturb sign to the world. Clearing the schedule is saying to yourself and your sweetheart, ‘Nothing is more important than you and us being together.'”
How to be more assertive in bed
Take your normal roles, and pull the old switcheroo to increase your pleasure, Meyers advises: “If you are an alpha woman in the work force, it’s important to let your man be the masculine/alpha in the bedroom.”
For better sex that you can suggest to him, think different. And if you shake things up, you have a better chance of return to that hot, hot sex you used to have — back before life got in the way.
“In [your] new relationship, spontaneous, all-consuming ‘I can’t keep my hands off of you,’ ‘I want you so bad’ steamy all-nighters full of curiosity, hunger and discovery were naturally built in to the sexual mix,” Meyers says. “Over time, we fall into habit patterns and complacency. That’s why it’s important to change it up and approach sex as a new adventure and opportunity to discover a new position, sensation and way to touch each other.”
How do you do that? Think about why he’s hot to you — and remember that when you feel good, he’ll feel good.
“Look at his body anew,” Meyers suggests. “Kiss him in a new way and find a place on his body that you’ve never kissed before. Put on some music and do a lap dance, whisper into his ear how hot he is and tell him some things you’d like to do to him and with him. Watch a porno film together and talk about what turns you on. Then try it in bed. Men really do want to know how to please you. It makes them feel good to bring you to orgasm. It makes him feel more powerful and successful.”
Sounds like a win-win to us.
So, with those tips in mind, try out these 10 sex positions that are ideal for female pleasure, making you feel like a queen while you’re getting your kicks.
10 “power” sex positions (plus one crazy bonus position)
#1 – Modified missionary
“Practically any classic pose can be fine-tuned to give her a thrill,” says Lisa Sweet, author of 365 Sex Thrills. “All she needs to do is have the desire to go after her own pleasure by making a few simple adjustments. Raising her legs so that her feet are planted on his bottom will graze his pubic bone against her clitoris. Or she can raise her legs up — the higher she lifts them, the deeper the penetration against the front wall of her vagina, which is where her G-spot is.”
#2 – Deeper rear-entry
“This always feels like a rough-and-ready move, but she can make it her own by lying on her stomach and have him gently lie on top of her,” Sweet says. “This deepens the penetration while creating some fiery G-spot and clitoral sparks at the same time.”
#3 – Spooning
“This cuddly move gets a bad rap on the thrillometer scale,” Sweet says. “To amp it up, he can slip his fingers between her legs and fiddle with her diddle as he thrusts into her. Or she can just take care of business herself. Squeezing her thighs will help crank up the pleasure.”
#4 – Yab yum
“Classically, the man sits in the lotus posture with the woman astride,” say Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, authors of Great Sex Made Simple. “It can also be done cross-legged, and if that’s still uncomfortable, he can modify it further by sitting on a chair or the edge of a bed with his feet on the floor. This is a very intimate position because your bodies are aligned and close together. It’s great for gazing into each other’s eyes and for alternating between stillness and motion during lovemaking. Many people find it to be the most effective position for experiencing G-spot stimulation while having penetrative sex.”
#5 – Kali Asana
“This is a familiar female-superior position to many — the man lies on his back, and the woman sits astride,” says Michaels and Johnson. “It is often depicted in Tantric art, and its roots in the tradition are ancient. There are lots of ways to vary the experience and the sensations in this position — squatting, kneeling, keeping the body erect, leaning forward or slightly backward and kneeling on one side while keeping your foot flat on the other. A variety of movements are also possible — rocking, grinding or bouncing — and this too will produce different sensations. This position enables you to control the pace and also the depth of penetration. For many women, it provides the most direct clitoral stimulation, and it is also easy for the man to stimulate the clitoris, either manually or with a vibrator.”
#6 – Reverse cowgirl
“This is not really a traditional posture, but we like to think of it as a variant on Kali Asana,” say Michaels and Johnson. “This is a great one to use while facing a mirror, which will give you a clear view of what’s going on in the genital area while you’re making love, something that’s not easy in most positions. It’s also a position in which it’s easy to stimulate yourself manually. The angle of penetration and the stimulation it produces are also likely to give your partner some different sensations. Many men find reverse cowgirl to be very intense, so it’s a good idea to pay attention to how he’s responding.”
#7 – Taking a stand
“In this position, he braces his back against a wall, so she is ‘on top’ and moves up to him for entry — this is easier if she lifts one leg,” says Dr. Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations sex toy shop in San Francisco. “He can hold her leg up with one arm and embrace her (and help keep her pressed against him and in a stable position) with the other arm. If she arches back, she will bring their pelvises even closer together — and then he’ll be able to reach her breasts easily. Bonuses: great for eye contact, touch and kissing. Caution: When duration is desired, most people will decide to get horizontal eventually.” Bonus tip: “When he’s taller, he can spread his legs wider apart to lower his pelvis to a more accommodating height (or if they’re feeling pretty athletic, he can pick her up),” she says.
#8 – Head over heels
“Here’s an unusual and languid variation on the [woman on top] position,” says Dr. Queen. “From her perch kneeling on top of him, she places her ankles on his shoulders and lies back so she is either lying right on him (on her back — her back is on his thighs, her feet are on either side of his face), or, with a tilt to the side, this can become a variation on spooning: He’s tipped partly on his side, she is nestled up against him. Less eye contact in this position, but tons of opportunity to touch, especially clitoral touch. He can use her hips and thighs to pull her closer to him if deeper penetration or more vigorous movements are desired.” For more positions like described in numbers Seven and Eight, Dr. Queen recommends the book Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight.
#9 – Splitting the bamboo
“Another classic tantra position, this is a sort of a missionary position variant,” says Dr. Queen. “She lies on her back, but instead of lying on top of her, he kneels, his knees apart so his pelvis is low and he can enter her. She can reach his thighs to touch him (and use that grip as leverage to move) — her ankles on his shoulders, or one leg is bent so she can rest her foot flat on his chest and feel his heartbeat. Bonuses: great for eye contact, touch, toe- and foot-kissing.” For more like this position, she recommends the book The Modern Kama Sutra.
#10 – Sexy scissoring
“This is fab for its clitoral stimulation,” says Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright, Astroglide’s relationship and sexual wellness ambassador. “A gal starts in woman-on-top, but then lies back between her lover’s legs (which will arch her back). He can then easily stimulate her hot spots, working her more easily to orgasm.”
Crazy bonus position – Gyrating split
Difficulty: 10! Only for the strong-willed and adventurous!
“A flexible gal lies on top of her guy w/ both legs inside his,” says Dr. Fulbright. “She then gets into a split by bringing one leg up, putting half of her weight on her knee. She can then offer him her breast to kiss and suck on, which both will find super-hot.” You might want to do some deep stretching before trying this one on for size, but boy will his mind be blown…
This article is by Jamie Beckman and originally appeared on She Knows Love
Hey guys, want to know what it really takes to turn your woman on? Watch this.
“Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.” Amy Bloom
The “I’m so into you” kind of romantic, adoring love doesn’t naturally have to fade over time. It happens when we stop feeding our relationship with the nourishment it needs: Attention, Appreciation, and Affection. Think of these elements as the prime ingredients that feed the soul of our love.
Let me ask you 3 simple questions. Be honest.
On a daily basis how much…
- Loving attention do you give and receive from your partner?
- Appreciation do you give and receive from your partner?
- Affection do you give and receive from your partner?
Giving and receiving positive Attention, Appreciation, and Affection is at the core of what FEELS LIKE LOVE to most of us on the deepest of levels.
These 3 relationship fundamentals powerfully express:
- You are loved.
- You are valued.
- You are known.
- You are accepted.
While GRAND GESTURES and celebrations are exciting and sensational, LOVE and INTIMACY grow strong, secure and feels safe in the STEADY, READY, & FRIENDLY arms of another’s loving Attention, Appreciation, and Affection. Daily exchanges of the 3A’s cultivate closeness, emotional safety, and more loving behavior.
Dr. Sheri’s 3 A’s Romance Repair Kit
Where are you putting your attention?
If you focus on what is wrong or missing, those are the things that will dominate your perception and drag your energy and your relationship down. When you direct your attention to loving your partner and celebrating what is GOOD, LOVING and RIGHT, it will immediately shift your feelings and improve your relationship.
What kind of daily attention do you give to romance and love in your relationship?
Spending positive, quality time together, communicating, building your friendship, and having fun are all ways to give each other positive attention. There are many ways to say and show “I love you.” No matter how long you’ve been together, do you REALLY know what makes your partner feel most loved by you? When you speak and show attention in the LOVE LANGUAGE of your partner’s heart, romance and intimacy flourish.
Do This Appreciation Check In…
How does your partner know that he or she is valued by you?
Do you express your appreciation and gratitude to each other out loud? How often?
In essence, appreciation involves looking for what is good versus what is bad. Let your partner know OUT LOUD when you are thinking GOOD things about them. It’s just being a little more generous with your praise, acknowledgement and gratitude.
And it’s so easy to do! It’s as simple as giving your partner a couple of compliments a day, a wink of recognition, a hug of thanks. It almost doesn’t matter what you focus on with your appreciation. “Wow, you look beautiful!” “I am so lucky to be with you.” or even “Thank you for sweeping the floor, it looks great.” It’s the recognition that you are appreciating and seeing how important your partner is to the mainstay of your relationship, and in your life.
That sort of seeing, acknowledging, and expression of positive regard communicates so much more than the words convey. The underlying core message you are sending is “I value you.” “You are important to me.” “What you’re doing is important for us.” “Because of you, my life is so much better.” Your partner naturally feels more accepted, loved, and valued. This feeds romance more deliciously than a great dinner out on the town.
“Feeling grateful or appreciative of someone or something in your life actually attracts more of the things that you appreciate and value into your life.” Christiane Northrup
Affection: Keep In Touch
Often, we think affection is sex, or a strategy for having sex. And, that’s certainly one way to communicate your love. But affection is touching heart to heart, not just body to body. It’s your words and open hearted gestures that say I love you and express closeness. It’s stroking each other as you walk by. It’s sending a kiss across the room. It’s making eye contact and really seeing each other. It’s hugging and holding each other. As a matter of fact, being affectionate is GOOD for your health and well being. Doctors have found that touching and being touched helps us to thrive. It takes little time to open our arms to one another and has huge benefits. Giving lots of warm hugs to your partner is a great way to strengthen your ability to give and receive affection.
“Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.” Tom Mullen
Want to know more? Click here.
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