You just got dumped, or maybe you broke up with someone. You just want to curl up and retreat from the world.

It doesn’t matter if it was a long-term relationship, a short-lived cyber affair, an unrequited love or a good friends-with-benefits arrangement. If you cared and connected, you feel a deep and painful void where there was once laughter and affection. It’s like experiencing a small death.

Grieving over your lost love for a short time is understandable, but if you linger too long in the purgatory of how-it-used-to-be, your friends will eventually get tired of hearing you talk about your ex and advise you to “Get over it.”

You agree on some level. You know that you really ought to start getting on with life and move on. Every day starts with that intention. But every night ends with you wanting to call them, check out their Facebook page or look through old photos, just to feel closer to them.

Getting over it. Easy to say. Much harder to do.

And no wonder, because there’s a bio-chemical reason behind the desperation and despair.

Researchers who’ve looked at the brains of the lovelorn say that loss, especially rejection by a romantic partner, lights up areas of the brain that are associated with addiction. This can lead to psychological reactions that cause obsessive preoccupation with your partner, feelings of frenzied desperation, guilt over what you could have done differently and even physical pain. Letting go for good seems unimaginable.

Trust me, as both a relationship therapist and a veteran of countless breakups myself, I’ve seen it all and I get it. What I’ve discovered along the way is that you need a holistic approach to getting over a breakup, one that addresses the four core areas: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The following are highly effective strategies from the healing section my book using each of those four core areas to get you on the road to recovery from that breakup — fast.

PHYSICAL

1. Meditate, don’t medicate. Avoid overusing drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and coffee and resist the urge to stuff down your feelings using chocolate and food. You’ll only end up feeling worse about yourself. In times of stress, having a drink or eating a quart of ice cream may be tempting, but doing so will only cause you to spiral down into a depression, lose sleep and gain weight. Instead, take five minutes to sit quietly, meditate, practice yoga or deep breathing.

2. Eat healthfully and regularly. Your body can’t function properly without the proper nutrition. Don’t skip meals or resort to convenience food. Treat yourself as if you were your own child — eat wholesome meals that are balanced and freshly made.

3. Get plenty of sleep. There’s nothing more replenishing to your body than quality sleep. If you are having trouble going to sleep because of punishing, pain-producing thoughts, try this: Keep a journal by your bed, write down your anxieties and imagine them flowing out of you and onto the paper. Say, “I fully release you and let you go. I give myself permission to peacefully sleep.”

4. Exercise your blues away. The absence of pleasure-producing endorphins after a break up can make you feel sluggish and miserable. Exercise increases your endorphins. Join a health club, take the stairs instead of the elevator, walk to work, do some yoga or take a salsa lesson. Make a promise to do something active for 30 minutes a day for 30 days, no excuses.

EMOTIONAL

5. Feel your feelings. Don’t ignore or stuff them down. Let the tears flow and express your anger. Ignored emotions will only make you calloused and afraid. One way of unloading your feelings is to write out what might be too difficult to say out loud to others right now. Or better yet, start a dialogue with your broken heart, asking this part of you questions and giving it the solace and attention it needs right now.

6. Surround yourself with smiles and happy vibes. Make time for some feel good activities — anything from having a cup of tea with a friend to taking the kids to the zoo to playing a round of golf. Be sure to surround yourself with people that will uplift you, not unhappy ones that will just drag you down. Studies have shown that laughter or just smiling has a way of lifting your mood instantly.

MENTAL

7. Stop obsessing. All those obsessive thoughts and instant replays of would of, could of, should of head trips must stop NOW. The best way to do it is to say, “STOP!” If the thoughts won’t stop, then say, “NO! STOP NOW!” If they persist, then continue, “ENOUGH! NO MORE! STOP!”

Saying “STOP!” interrupts the obsessive thought process and breaks the cycle of pain. Immediately, redirect your thoughts away to something good that is happening in your life.

8. Take a 60-second vacation. Thinking relaxing thoughts and verbalizing calming statements starts the healing process and helps you lessen anxiety. Take a deep breath and say out loud, “I am calm. I am safe and I can handle this.” Anything from smelling a flower to petting an animal can help take you away for even a minute, which starts the process of feeling free.

SPIRITUAL

9. Gratitude is grounding. Have you ever noticed that it’s impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time? Gratitude can transform pain into love and bring peace to your emotional chaos. Remind yourself of all the things you’re grateful for. Better yet, write it down. This strategy works miracles for bringing you out of any gloomy mood.

10. Give to others. Studies show that the happiest people are ones who give the most to others. When you’re depressed, anxious or stressed, there is a high degree of focus on the self. Focusing on the needs of others literally helps shift your thinking and your mood from victimhood to empowerment.

When you’re feeling down after a breakup, you may feel like you want to avoid the very activities that will actually make you feel better — exercise, visiting friends, being kind to those in need. As much as you might want to, avoid isolating yourself from others. Ask for help and talk to a friend who you know is a good listener. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Don’t think of this as time wasted because you aren’t with that special person, but as precious time you need to reinvest in a healthier, more grounded and more spiritually enlightened you.

by Dr. Sheri Meyers. Originally posted on The Huffington Post

These days, conveniences like email, texting and social media have made it easier than ever to connect with others. But for people who are married or are in committed relationships, it also means innocent communication can slip into flirting or emotional cheating– a betrayal even if there’s no physical contact involved. So where is the line between harmless chatting and harmful cheating? We asked Sheri Meyers Psy.D, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of “Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.”

GalTime: What is “Emotional Sex?”

Sheri Meyers Psy.D:  Emotional sex is an affair of the heart that feels the same as romantic love and can manifest itself in numerous ways—physically, romantically, emotionally, lustfully, verbally, or virtually. Once emotional sex kicks in, fantasy takes over. The brain chemicals activated in emotional sex create the illusion that a “perfect love” exists and “destiny” is knocking. Emotional sex is an insidious form of infidelity that frequently occurs between two people who at first call themselves ‘just friends.’

GT: Who is more likely to get involved in this type of relationship?

SM: Women tend to have emotional affairs. Men tend to have physical and cyber affairs. Having an affair is usually a symptom of an underlying problem in the relationship. Often we feel like something is missing and we may consciously or unconsciously seek that something in someone else.

GT: How do these situations start? When does it cross the line between chatting and cheating?

SM: Emotional sex usually starts innocently. You become Friends with the sexy co-worker and decide to carpool to work together, or you reunite with an ex on Facebook and start to share stories and photos from the past. You know you’re crossing the line when…

Signs Chatting is Becoming Cheating

• • You start sharing more about yourself with your friend than your partner.
  
  • You prefer talking to your ‘friend’ over your primary partner.
  
  • You check for messages CONSTANTLY.
  
  • You think about him or her more than your partner or your kids.
  
  • Thoughts of your friend bring relief and an instant high.

GT: What if YOU are the person having the affair? How do you break the news?

SM: Before confessing to your partner, you must confess to yourself and take full responsibility. Forgive your partner for anything they did or didn’t do that may have influenced your choice to cheat. Do not blame your partner for the affair– now or ever!

Start and end your confession with love. It might go something like this: “ I love you with all of my heart. I really screwed up. I want to get this out in the open and tell you the truth so that we can move on and heal our relationship together.” Then tell what happened. And close with a lot of love.

GT: Is ending the affair always the right goal– or could it be that the person that you’re cheating with is actually a better relationship for you?

SM: While you may feel tempted to do something wild, crazy and risky, like leave your relationship for your emotional lover, this is a BIG mistake. Biochemical research has shown that the effect of ‘love chemicals’ is twofold: they are released in RESPONSE to your friend, and they BOND you to your friend. Letting go of such intoxicating nourishment seems unimaginable, but if you want your primary relationship to work, then you have to END the affair. The lover must go.

GT: If you think you are being cheated on… What are your tips for spotting a cheater?

SM: Here are some trumpet-blaring red flags…

Tips for Spotting a Cheater

• •  Your partner starts withdrawing from normal activities, social plans and time with you.
  
   • Your partner receives (or sends) regular texts at all hours from a ‘friend’ you don’t know or didn’t know your partner had.
  
  • Your partner is taking mysterious calls in the other room and when you ask who called, they say “No one” “Wrong number” “It’s business,” or “Why do you ask?”
  
  •  Your partner is getting very secretive or defensive about how they are spending their time and money.
  
  •  Your partner’s desire to be ‘attractive’ is increasing, especially when leaving the house. This includes dressing differently when leaving the house, changing their style, losing weight, looking sexier.
  
   • Your partner is running hot and cold when it comes to sex with you.

GT: Is there a “best way” to confront someone if you are having suspicions about them?

SM: It is essential that you have REAL, tangible proof, not assumptions. Preparation is being able to emotionally handle the truth. Have a plan in place in terms of the time and place you are going to have the discussion without interruption. When confronted, cheaters often lie or deny. Be prepared for escape clauses, denial, and dismissal of your claims, defensiveness, or distraction. These reactions come from fear. Being conversational rather than confrontational will allow your partner to feel safe enough to be honest.

GT: When do you cut your losses and move on…and when do you try and work it out?

SM: It’s not going to work if the cheater doesn’t give up the lover. That’s a non-negotiable.

If you are the cheater, it takes strength, patience, reliability and perseverance. You have to earn back the trust by being steadfast and resolute in your love and doing whatever it takes show your partner they are #1 and your relationship together is a #1 priority.

If you are the betrayed, it takes a willingness to heal, forgive and open up your heart again.

Together as a team, you can face the weaknesses and change the emotional climate between you. Channel your attention towards making your relationship strong. And keep saying these words to each other: “I love you,” “You are important,” “We matter,” “I want only you.”

This article written by  Malia Karlinsky originally appeared on Galtime.

Ah, social media. You’ve got followers, friends, and even strangers liking what you did today. With every new notification, you get a little shot of dopamine (that’s the feel-good chemical that fires off in pleasure-seeking situations, as in jumping off a plane or, well, doing drugs). So, you want to keep pressing refresh to get another dose. And then, you realize that what’s happening in your real life isn’t nearly as exciting. “Social media—Twitter, Instagram, Facebook—can create a false sense of connection with people,” says Sheri Meyers, PsyD, a therapist in Los Angeles (and author of Chatting or Cheating) “And, it’s immediate and 24/7, so there isn’t as much of a need to reach out to those that are close to us.”

Eventually, real life pays the price — because when it’s not as satisfying as the cyber version, it can lead to feeling down about what you have going on (or don’t have going on). “The life we possess virtually can seem more exciting or interesting than what’s happening in real life and real time,” Meyers says. “Online, you’re constantly on the receiving end of a sense of approval, which feels really good. What isn’t healthy is when you turn more and more to your cyber friends for approval, satisfaction, and that dopamine hit. Then, you stop trying to connect and relate with the people closest to you.”

Remember when we mentioned the dopamine-narcotics connection? Turns out that you can actually get hooked on social media, too. “Internet addiction is real,” says Meyers. “The same brain chemicals that get activated from drugs or any pleasure-seeking behavior apply here, too.” When those happy chemicals plummet, you have to keep going back to the “drug” — i.e., picking up your iPhone to check the latest tweet — to get the boost again. And, it’s not doing any favors for your relationship, either: “Once you are spending time away from your partner and in social media, and you start getting your needs met there, then you are no longer seeking out that attention from your loved one,” she warns. “In the end, you will only feel lonelier.”

Social media aims to bring us closer, but too much of a good thing can be problematic. Rationally, we all know that comparing ourselves to others isn’t healthy, but with an endless stream of humblebrags and not-so-humble brags, it’s difficult not to do so. But, says Meyers, that’s a distorted view of reality, because people tend to broadcast the good stuff, not the bad. “When you begin to compare yourself with others, which is a natural human tendency, that creates a weak foundation to stand upon,” she says. “And when you think, ‘Look who liked my photo!’ or ‘Look how many friends or followers I have!’ you’re on shallow ground.” Eventually, you’ll possibly feel less-than, or you may develop a falsely boosted ego — neither of which are ideal.

Of course, social media isn’t all bad; constantly reaching for your iPhone does have its upsides. “In a way, it can be positive, since social media gives us a distraction from pain in our life,” says Meyers. “It could be a way to get our mind off of it, but you still need to cope with it.” And, if used to help others, a tweet can be a good thing indeed.

Beyond that, it’s important to set boundaries and rules. “Just like you are allowed a certain amount of chocolate, you can’t eat as much as you want,” says Meyers. “You need to feed your real life as much as your online social life.” So, maybe you put the iPad down while eating dinner, or take a weekend off from social media apps. It’s all part of shifting your focus. Instead of thinking ‘I’m so great! I have 20 new followers,’ be thankful for legitimate moments of happiness, not what’s found on your news feed. Get out into the real world, create a true memory without needing to broadcast it — and before you know it, you’ll be #lovingyourlife.

by Nicole Cantanese.  Originally posted on Refinery 29

MORE ON THIS TOPIC: Here’s an interview I did with ABC on Internet Addiction

ENOUGH FIGHTING, ALREADY!

by Sheri Meyers, Psy.D

You’re in the middle of another argument with your partner. They’re driving you crazy. Can’t they see that you’re obviously right, and they’re so totally wrong? Their sense of logic confounds you. You can hardly believe that they aren’t budging from their stance. Why don’t they see that your way makes total sense, and their way is just, well… stupid?

You know it’s bad when even the smallest things start another round of bickering, tension and eye rolling — where to eat, what movie to see, whose responsibility is this or that, when-this-or-that was supposed to occur. What starts as a small difference in viewpoint ends up becoming a righteous, no-win, my way-or-the-highway yelling and screaming temper tantrum or an icy-cold freeze out. It feels like just a matter of time before either one of you decides that they no longer want to stick around.

The more you clash, the less attractive your partner seems. Doubts and judgments arise: “Are you and I compatible anymore?” “What on earth did I ever see in you?” “Why is it so damn hard to work things out?” You’re beginning to wonder if all this arguing, frustration, angry glares and/or punishing silent treatment are signs that it’s time to give up the fight and move on from the relationship.

When winning and being right becomes more important than being in love, the victory and temporary sense of righteousness is hollow and short lived. Once the dust settles, these win-lose battles often leave both partners wondering, “Where the hell did our love go?”

You might think breaking up is the only answer, given that you clearly have different values and priorities. But is it? Is there a way out of this vicious cycle?

The good news is there is a way to fix things.

How to recognize a power struggle

Power struggles are poison to maintaining a healthy, happy, open relationship. I painfully admit that I’ve been there. And my guess is, so have you.

But how do you know whether you’re experiencing a power struggle or just not seeing something eye-to-eye?

A good rule of thumb is that if you and your partner both feel that yours is the only correct solution, no matter how much evidence is presented to dispute it, chances are you are in a power struggle.

Here are the behavioral clues and cues to watch out for…

You are…

• Not listening to each other.
• Becoming defensive.
• Feeling like you and your partner are on separate teams or planets.
• Emotionally freezing up and shutting down OR arming up and preparing for a war.
• Thinking “I’m right, you’re wrong.” “This is YOUR fault.” “YOU must change and do it my way or else.”
• Answering yes to more than one of the above is a pretty good indicator that you and your partner are in the midst of a power struggle.

Here’s a surprising fact: Power struggles usually have very little to do with what you are actually arguing about! They have everything to do with how each of you feels about your place and position in the relationship.

The power struggle’s secret agenda and your love opportunity

“Seeing others as basically compassionate instead of hostile and selfish helps us relax, trust, live at ease. It makes us happier.” — The 14th Dalai Lama

As a marriage and family therapist for over 20 years, I can tell you that most of the time, whatever is pushing your buttons is usually a reflection of your own unresolved hurts and beliefs that are silently screaming for attention and healing. No matter how distant, angry or closed you may be feeling in the moment, this can be a perfect opportunity to stop reacting and start reflecting on the source of your feelings.

To discontinue engaging in a power struggle, you need to move away from the adversarial energy of competition and control (Me vs. You, I’m the boss and you’re not, I’m better/smarter than you are) to one of cooperation and camaraderie (We are a team. We can work this out. I cherish you.).

Reconnection and the return to love can literally be just a heartbeat away. It involves taking a pause, becoming present and open to attune and commune in the spirit of curiosity, compassion and clemency. It’s about treating your partner as your best friend. It helps to remember a moment when you felt close and madly in love and begin to breathe that consciousness in.

Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:

• Why do I NEED to be right?
• Is STICKING to my position that important?
• Would I rather be RIGHT or HAPPY?
• Is there room to LIGHTEN UP and relax about this?
• If I could transform this moment, how would I want it to be?
• If this was my BEST FRIEND, how would I behave?
• What would it be like if I chose to BE THE GENEROUS, LOVING ONE?

A shift immediately happens when you can find the place (however small it is) where you understand and agree with your partner’s point of view. When either one of you withdraws your energy from proving the other wrong to searching for where you agree, the power struggle crumbles.

Once you find that small place of agreement, you have a choice. You can change your mind, stop reacting or change the subject. You can choose to learn something about yourself instead of being hell-bent on making your partner wrong. You can choose to let these struggles be a road to ruin or a path to self-understanding, deeper love and security in your relationship.

The power struggle challenge becomes a blessing when you use it as a catalyst for self-awareness, a call to heal and a springboard into a new, mature, balanced way of communicating and loving.

This article by Sheri Meyers, Psy.D first appeared on SheKnows.com. 

You handle work, family and finances with finesse. You’re an alpha woman and  proud of it — but when it comes to hopping into the driver’s seat in the  bedroom, maybe you’re a little rusty. When it comes to sex, sometimes the little
things like initiating, saying exactly what you want and planning a sexy (not  cheesy) romantic night can be daunting. Here are some  fun and sexy secrets on how to step up, speak up and get the sex you’ve always wanted. Plus,  10 girl-in-control sex positions that’ll leave his (and your) heads spinning. 

HOW TO TAKE CHARGE BETWEEN THE SHEETS

When it comes to sex, sometimes the little things like initiating, saying exactly what you want and planning a sexy (not cheesy) romantic night can be daunting. Sheri Meyers, Psy. D, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Chatting or Cheating, let us in on a few secrets on how to step up, speak up and get the sex you’ve always wanted.

How to plan a special romp

Forget the to-dos. Postponing sex until all of the e-mails have been answered and the list of the day’s tasks has been checked off means you’ll never have sex. Instead, make a conscious effort to take a break for nookie.

“Put away the laptop and briefcase, turn off your cell phone, close the door to the day,” Meyers says. “Literally and figuratively hang a do-not-disturb sign to the world. Clearing the schedule is saying to yourself and your sweetheart, ‘Nothing is more important than you and us being together.’”

How to be more assertive in bed

Take your normal roles, and pull the old switcheroo to increase your pleasure, Meyers advises: “If you are an alpha woman in the work force, it’s important to let your man be the masculine/alpha in the bedroom.”

For better sex that you can suggest to him, think different. And if you shake things up, you have a better chance of return to that hot, hot sex you used to have — back before life got in the way.

“In [your] new relationship, spontaneous,  all-consuming ‘I can’t keep my hands off of you,’ ‘I want you so bad’ steamy all-nighters full of curiosity, hunger and discovery were naturally built in to the sexual mix,” Meyers says. “Over time, we fall into habit patterns and complacency. That’s why it’s important to change it up and approach sex as a new adventure and opportunity to discover a new position, sensation and way to touch each other.”

How do you do that? Think about why he’s hot to you — and remember that when you feel good, he’ll feel good.

“Look at his body anew,” Meyers suggests. “Kiss him in a new way and find a place on his body that you’ve never kissed before. Put on some music and do a lap dance, whisper into his ear how hot he is and tell him some things you’d like to do to him and with him. Watch a porno film together and talk about what turns you on. Then try it in bed. Men really do want to know how to please you. It makes them feel good to bring you to orgasm. It makes him feel more powerful and successful.”

Sounds like a win-win to us.

So, with those tips in mind, try out these 10 sex positions that are ideal for female pleasure, making you feel like a queen while you’re getting your kicks.

#1 – Modified missionary

“Practically any classic pose can be fine-tuned to give her a thrill,” says Lisa Sweet, author of 365 Sex Thrills. “All she needs to do is have the desire to go after her own pleasure by making a few simple adjustments. Raising her legs so that her feet are planted on his bottom will graze his pubic bone against her clitoris. Or she can raise her legs up — the higher she lifts them, the deeper the penetration against the front wall of her vagina, which is where her G-spot is.”

“This always feels like a rough-and-ready move, but she can make it her own by lying on her stomach and have him gently lie on top of her,” Sweet says. “This deepens the penetration while creating some fiery G-spot and clitoral sparks at the same time.”

#3 – Spooning

“This cuddly move gets a bad rap on the thrillometer scale,” Sweet says. “To amp it up, he can slip his fingers between her legs and fiddle with her diddle as he thrusts into her. Or she can just take care of business herself. Squeezing her thighs will help crank up the pleasure.”

“Classically, the man sits in the lotus posture with the woman astride,” say Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, authors of Great Sex Made Simple. “It can also be done cross-legged, and if that’s still uncomfortable, he can modify it further by sitting on a chair or the edge of a bed with his feet on the floor. This is a very intimate position because your bodies are aligned and close together. It’s great for gazing into each other’s eyes and for alternating between stillness and motion during lovemaking. Many people find it to be the most effective position for experiencing G-spot stimulation while having penetrative sex.”

“This is a familiar female-superior position to many — the man lies on his back, and the woman sits astride,” says Michaels and Johnson. “It is often depicted in Tantric art, and its roots in the tradition are ancient. There are lots of ways to vary the experience and the sensations in this position — squatting, kneeling, keeping the body erect, leaning forward or slightly backward and kneeling on one side while keeping your foot flat on the other. A variety of movements are also possible — rocking, grinding or bouncing — and this too will produce different sensations. This position enables you to control the pace and also the depth of penetration. For many women, it provides the most direct clitoral stimulation, and it is also easy for the man to stimulate the clitoris, either manually or with a vibrator.”

“This is not really a traditional posture, but we like to think of it as a variant on Kali Asana,” say Michaels and Johnson. “This is a great one to use while facing a mirror, which will give you a clear view of what’s going on in the genital area while you’re making love, something that’s not easy in most positions. It’s also a position in which it’s easy to stimulate yourself manually. The angle of penetration and the stimulation it produces are also likely to give your partner some different sensations. Many men find reverse cowgirl to be very intense, so it’s a good idea to pay attention to how he’s responding.”

“In this position, he braces his back against a wall, so she is ‘on top’ and moves up to him for entry — this is easier if she lifts one leg,” says Dr. Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations sex toy shop in San Francisco. “He can hold her leg up with one arm and embrace her (and help keep her pressed against him and in a stable position) with the other arm. If she arches back, she will bring their pelvises even closer together — and then he’ll be able to reach her breasts easily. Bonuses: great for eye contact, touch and kissing. Caution: When duration is desired, most people will decide to get horizontal eventually.” Bonus tip: “When he’s taller, he can spread his legs wider apart to lower his pelvis to a more accommodating height (or if they’re feeling pretty athletic, he can pick her up),” she says.

#8 - Head over heels

“Here’s an unusual and languid variation on the [woman on top] position,” says Dr. Queen. “From her perch kneeling on top of him, she places her ankles on his shoulders and lies back so she is either lying right on him (on her back — her back is on his thighs, her feet are on either side of his face), or, with a tilt to the side, this can become a variation on spooning: He’s tipped partly on his side, she is nestled up against him. Less eye contact in this position, but tons of opportunity to touch, especially clitoral touch. He can use her hips and thighs to pull her closer to him if deeper penetration or more vigorous movements are desired.” For more positions like described in numbers Seven and Eight, Dr. Queen recommends the book Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight.

#9 - Splitting the bamboo

“Another classic tantra position, this is a sort of a missionary position variant,” says Dr. Queen. “She lies on her back, but instead of lying on top of her, he kneels, his knees apart so his pelvis is low and he can enter her. She can reach his thighs to touch him (and use that grip as leverage to move) — her ankles on his shoulders, or one leg is bent so she can rest her foot flat on his chest and feel his heartbeat. Bonuses: great for eye contact, touch, toe- and foot-kissing.” For more like this position, she recommends the book The Modern Kama Sutra.

“This is fab for its clitoral stimulation,” says Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright, Astroglide’s relationship and sexual wellness ambassador. “A gal starts in woman-on-top, but then lies back between her lover’s legs (which will arch her back). He can then easily stimulate her hot spots, working her more easily to orgasm.”

“A flexible gal lies on top of her guy w/ both legs inside his,” says Dr. Fulbright. “She then gets into a split by bringing one leg up, putting half of her weight on her knee. She can then offer him her breast to kiss and suck on, which both will find super-hot.” You might want to do some deep stretching before trying this one on for size, but boy will his mind be blown…

This article is by Jamie Beckman and originally appeared on She Knows Love

Hey guys, want to know what it really takes to turn your woman on? Watch this.

It’s getting complicated.

Over one third of divorce filings in 2011 contained the word “Facebook,” according to a recent report from Divorce Online, a legal services firm. And the overlap between Facebook and relationships doesn’t stop there: ABC News reported in May that children’s Facebook profiles, mined for evidence of poor parenting, are now often used in custody settlements. In fact, a survey of prominent divorce attorneys concludes that 81% of them report a spike in cases using Facebook and other social networks as evidence in divorce proceedings, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Divorce or breaking up is never fun, but it’s become even more heartbreaking and nasty now that there’s easily accessible evidence—and ongoing communication—via the Internet. Still, you can navigate it successfully no matter what kind of relationship you’re in, says Sheri Meyers, PsyD, an intimacy expert and author of Chatting or Cheating: How To Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.

Here, she offers a few tips for managing modern day love (and avoiding modern day war).

For when you start dating. Meyers stresses transparency. “It’s important to communicate early on what’s cool and what’s not cool to share. I believe it’s never too early to go, ‘OK is this cool to share on Facebook?’” Opening up right away will clear the road for better communication down the road, Meyers says. Plus, you’ll avoid any potential conflicts or hurt feelings caused by an unintentional social media overshare.

For when you get hitched. If you don’t include social media behavior in a prenup (which Meyers “highly recommends”), at least sit down and consider specific areas of concern. Take exes, for instance: Is it okay for him to stay friends with his college girlfriend? And do you want to share passwords with one another, or not? “If one is an open book, that should inspire trust,” Meyers says.

And it might sound ridiculous, but you two should also agree on how often you’ll be logged onto Facebook, Meyers says. “If you’re spending all your time on Facebook when you could be making love, that could be problematic,” she warns. “Facebook is part of our lives, but we have to learn to fit it in so it doesn’t disrupt our relationship.”

For when you’re splitting up. Take note: “Facebook is not a place to air your dirty laundry,” Meyers says. “A lot of couples use Facebook as a medium for revenge because they’re angry.” People in the midst of splits also tend to publish “elusive and hurtful” comments, Meyers says, such as “I’ve never been happier!” or “Finally free!” Avoid the urge to convey your newfound joy, she recommends. “That is so not appropriate. It hurts. You’re burning bridges that might be resurrected someday.”

So why this tendency to overshare online during tough times? The sense of community we can gain from social media carries weight, Meyers says. “The allure to do it on Facebook is to get other people commenting ‘Oh poor baby,’ or ‘I can so relate,’” she says. “You feel like there’s this community of attention. And though that feels very fulfilling, the price you pay is perhaps hurting in other ways.”

By Bill Bradley
This article originally appeared in Prevention Magazine. 

“What am I supposed to do? I have a constant pain in my gut. I can’t even look at my husband without getting nauseous or crying. Do I continue to cook his meals? Sleep with him? He wants to play golf this weekend. I’m thinking I want to separate. I don’t want a divorce, but I am ambivalent about staying and opening my heart to him again. Is there hope?”

YES, there is hope! Most couples I’ve worked with who have successfully survived and thrived after an affair began the healing process with an overshadowing sense of ambivalence. Surviving infidelity is a profound opportunity to transform the damaged dynamics that led to the affair and to build a stronger, more secure and lovingly conscious relationship together.

Can Your Relationship be Salvaged? 

Let’s make sure we’re on the same page:

• You have a lot invested in your primary relationship; just chucking it is not your first choice.
• Rather than making a hasty, reactive decision based on feelings of hurt, revenge, shock or abandonment, you are each willing to let the dust settle before making major life decisions.
• You both want to commit to work through the relationship and individual issues that caused the infidelity, and not call it quits with each other.

THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE:
In order to salvage a relationship after an affair, the cheating partner has to give up the lover or whatever the act has been, whether it be the Internet, the physical affair, or an emotional affair.

What You Must do as a Couple to Salvage Your Relationship

For the two of you to work on and salvage this relationship, there have to be two people willing to do that. “Mutual Commitment” to the process of healing is the foundational bedrock of successful “Relationship Rehab” and healing. It is a promise to continue investing in the relationship despite the hurt, the pain, the disappointment and yes, even the betrayal. It’s about remembering the GOOD of the past, the GOOD in each other, and holding onto the big picture and relationship vision of what you want to create together from this moment forward.

For the Unfaithful Partner

Be prepared – this will be a long road.

It is important for you to understand the pain you’ve caused and the damage your affair has created. Be empathetic. Your partner is probably going through post-traumatic stress; feeling shocked, confused, angry, hurt and highly sensitive. You have to be patient as your partner moves through their grief. Be ready to continually apologize, ask for forgiveness and say, “I’m sorry I hurt you” – once is not enough.

In order to heal your relationship with your partner, you will have to stand strong in your conviction that you want to make your relationship work, no matter what. Are you really ready?

• Have you ended your affair?
• Have you figured out WHY you had the affair(s)?
• Do you truly take responsibility and deeply regret your deception and betrayal and sincerely want to make amends?
• Has your apology been given, believed and accepted?
• Are you willing to do whatever it takes to earn your partner’s trust back and rebuild your relationship?
• Are you ready to be faithful?

The more you hold onto the vision and commitment and show up with genuine LOVE each day, the quicker the relationship will calm down and feel safer. Keep saying over and over, “we will get through this” to yourself and your partner.

For the Betrayed Partner

This is an opportunity to rediscover your needs, desires and VOICE.

In order to begin the process of healing and rebuilding your relationship with your unfaithful partner, you have to re-channel your energy and focus from what has happened to you, how bad you feel, and how betrayed you are, to spending time honestly looking at:

• “What is it that I want?”
• “Who am I now that this has happened?”
• “What are my needs in this relationship?&
• “What kind of relationship do I want to have?”

There is no status quo anymore about what kind of relationship you want. Challenge the old rules, roles, and reasons for being together. This is a new beginning. What are you willing to give to create the relationship you want? You have to be willing to MOVE ON from the pain, heal the wounds of betrayal and start the process of forgiveness.

Are You Really Ready to Heal and Rebuild? 

Underneath all this chaos…

• Do you still love your partner?
• Do you want to forgive you partner and build a better relationship?
• Have you explored your options (i.e. staying or choosing to leave), and how each would affect your life?
• Have you decided to stay for the right reasons?
• Have you told your truth, shared your feelings, cleared the air yet?

For Both Partners

There are reasons the affair happened, and NOW is the time to find out what they are. What pre-existing problems, behaviors and attitudes led to the affair happening? Without identifying why the affair happened, you’re greatly increasing the risk that there will be a repeat performance in the future. To objectively identify what went wrong, you have to both stop blaming the betrayer’s action as the cause of your unhappiness and each recognize the parts you played in the affair happening in the first place.

TOGETHER, as a team, you can FACE the weaknesses and change the temperature, intimacy, and emotional climate between you. Begin to take concrete steps to strengthen that relationship and see what develops. Put your cards on the table. Get the real issues and associated feelings out in the open where they can be addressed, analyzed, discussed, and worked through.

This article was adapted by Divorce Magazine with permission from the book Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship, ® 2012 Sheri Meyers, Psy. D.

It’s 10 p.m. Do you know where your girlfriend is?

She may be out with another man. According to research from the Archives of Sexual Behavior, women are almost just as guilty as men when it comes to committing infidelity—in fact, they’re cheating more than ever.

Researchers asked more than 900 men and women to fill out an online survey about whether or not they’ve cheated on their partners, and why they did it. The results: 19 percent of women admitted to straying outside their relationship—up 5 percent from the National Science Foundation’s General Social Survey in 2010. (Not that men were any better: 23 percent of men reported cheating, up 4 percent since 2010.)

“Although the rising statistics for women are worrisome, they’re not really all that surprising,” says Sheri Meyers, Psy.D., a marriage and family therapist and author of Chatting or Cheating.

Meyers lists loneliness, disconnection, boredom, and a lack of communication among the top reasons people choose to cheat, so if your own relationship’s on shaky ground, your partner may be trying to fill those emotional voids with someone else. (See 6 More Signs She’s Thinking of Cheating.)

Suspect she’s sleeping around? Follow this four-step plan to find out for sure—without wrecking your relationship if you’re wrong.

1. Keep Your Eyes Open
First, analyze her behavior and be on the lookout for some of the common signs that point to infidelity, says Meyers. Does she seem less eager to be around you? Is she more secretive than she used to be (i.e. a locked cell phone and a new password to her laptop)? Has she put more effort into her looks lately? “The biggest red flag is her lack of interest in spending time with you,” Meyers says.

2. Collect the Evidence—If You Can
Prior to confronting her, you need to have proof and/or a legitimate reason for asking her if she’s cheating, says Meyers. The easiest “in” is obviously some form of suspect communication, like mysterious texts or emails. But if she keeps most of her communication outlets locked, getting that content may be difficult. Plan B: Scope her Facebook feed. Twenty-four percent of Facebook-flirters used the social network to flirt with someone other than his or her partner, as we reported in How Facebook Has Changed Sex. And 29 percent said that a wall post or Facebook photo has gotten them in trouble with their significant other. Don’t recognize a name that keeps popping up on her page? There’s another red flag.

3. Prepare Your Plan
When you’re getting ready to drop the bomb, make sure you do it in a private place, and on a day that’s wide open, suggests Meyers. (It could take a while—and get a little messy.) “Often when people are confronted with this topic, they automatically get scared, deny the accusations, and somehow turn the scenario around on you,” says Meyers. That’s why it’s crucial to enter the conversation knowing what you’re going to say, and how to handle every rebuttal she’ll throw at you.

4. Choose Your Words Wisely
It’s time to approach her. Meyers suggests sticking to the following mantra: conversation, not confrontation. If you don’t have any physical proof that she’s cheated on you, there’s a fair chance that your relationship just needs work, she says. So if you flat out accuse her of being a bad person, you might never recover from that blow.

Instead, start off by telling her you don’t want to lose her, but explain that something seems up and it needs to be addressed. Rather than saying, “I think you’ve been hooking up with someone else,” tell her it appears as if she’s lost interest in the relationship, and ask her if there’s someone else she’d prefer spending her time with. “Give her some space to talk, and allow her to respond,” says Meyers. But once she’s done, follow up with the examples that have lead you to suspect her straying in the first place. If she confirms your suspicions, it’s time to let her go—with tact.

Written by Madeline Haller for Men’s Health Magazine

Should Rihanna Take Chris Brown Back? Dr. Sheri lists the things Rihanna should consider before returning to Chris Brown.

Writing for Celebuzz, Dr. Sheri Meyers, Psy.D. examines the on-again, off-again relationship between Rihanna and Chris Brown, and advises the pop superstar on what to do before getting back together with her ex.

It seems that Rihanna has forgiven Chris Brown for her well-publicized beating and is considering reuniting with him. Yes, it’s a wonderful thing to forgive another who has hurt you and to choose love and inner-peace over fear. However, when it comes to forgiving and then returning to an abuser who has put your life in danger, it’s not as simple as changing your mind and giving him another chance.

The Lure of Abusive Relationships

As a therapist, I am often asked, why do women stay too long in an abusive relationship or return to an abuser?

An abusive outbreak is often followed by a honeymoon period in which calm prevails and emotions get managed. Chris may be apologizing for the abuse and promising it will never happen again. There’s typically lots of attention, appreciation, interest and gifts during this stage. The feel-good magic of all this loving attention fogs our ability to see the situation clearly. Rihanna is probably telling herself, “He’s really sorry for what he’s done, taking responsibility and promises to never do it again. I now know that he’s my great love, so this time we can work through our issues. I understand him better and won’t push his buttons like I did before. We’ve both changed, so this time it will be different.”

Heads up, Rihanna: Whatever your heart or head may be telling you, it’s critical you remain rational, take it slow and keep your eyes wide open before jumping in.

I can promise you that the unresolved problems that triggered the abusive situation and subsequent break-up will rise again, once the hormones of newly reunited love settle down and each of you return to your comfort zone. Don’t give your trust so easily. He must show you more. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and most importantly, safe. If you’re still planning to go ahead with this crazy-in-love thing, here’s what you need to do before jumping in fully.

1. Ask Him 3 Critical Questions
Don’t just assume he’s got his anger under control. Seriously examine these questions with him and ponder his answers carefully:

What has he done to change?
Has he really taken responsibility for past behavior?
Is he truly willing to do whatever it takes to control of his anger?

Speaking of control, did you know that most abusers are not as out of control as they seem? For example, abusers are able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it serves then to do so (i.e., when the police show up or a friend calls) and can usually control themselves in public and act like everything is fine until they get you alone. Then wham. So, don’t believe it when you hear, “Baby, I just couldn’t control myself.”

2. Have a Plan of Action
Nothing pushes our buttons more than a close, intimate relationship. You both certainly knew how to push them in each other (for better and worse). While this reunion may feel like a brand new beginning, it’s important to have a game plan for how to handle your reactions and responses differently when you feel your buttons being pushed. Discuss the problems you had in the past and the changes you each need to make this time around. Know the triggers and how to avoid them and create a plan of action ahead of time.

3. Learn to Manage the Anger and Stress Better
Make sure you have solid strategies in place that will help eliminate some of the shock and disappointment you’ll feel when you realize that everything hasn’t magically changed since 2009. Real strength, cohesion and trust will come when you learn how to deal with problems and frustrations in a more constructive way than before. To successfully overcome conflicts, you both have to become less reactive, and look at problems through the lens of “we”, not “me.” Adversity requires action. Instead of saying, “It’s your fault,” or, “What’s wrong with you?” ask, “What now, what can WE do?”

4. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
To make it work, you need the following agreement: No secrets. No masks. No lies. No games. No tiptoeing. An open, present, compassionate partnership is where honestly is valued, safe and celebrated and all problems get addressed early. Create an environment where it is safe to talk and be honest about anything and everything. If you catch yourself holding back, reshaping yourself to please him or to keep things calm, replace those dancing shoes with running shoes, fast!

5. Hold Hands, Not Grudges
Can you both leave the past behind? Especially when the public won’t let you? Are you both willing to hold hands, not grudges, and learn the skills you each need to make this relationship work? It all starts by having the same relationship goals and direction: to make the relationship as safe, trusting, accepting, and loving as humanly possible.

The truth is, no matter what you read, what your friends or fans say, what advice you get, or what your head tells you, if your heart is pulling you back, you’ll probably go. Your willingness to forgive and choose love over fear is a worthy journey, no matter how the relationship ultimately ends up. However, reuniting with Chris is a dangerous chance you are taking with your life and well being. While you may believe you are returning to your forever love, this could be the necessary completion you need to fully move on and finally let him go once and for all. Be wise. Be safe. Stay aware.

After five years of dating, Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel said bye-bye to single life and tied the knot in a top-secret, star-studded, intimate ceremony at a quaint seaside resort in the southern Italian city of Fasano.

But the big question on everyone’s mind is: Will it last? Do they have a fighting chance? For the most part, celebrity marriages rarely have the fairy tale happily-ever-after ending fans hope they will. Unfortunately, celebrity news is packed full of star couples calling it quits.

The number one challenge Jessica & Justin will be facing, as life-long partners and especially as a celebrity couple, is learning how to maintain the balance between family life and their star-studded careers. The demands of separate schedules, hungry fans, incessant paparazzi intrusion, infidelity temptations, along with the normal bumps in the road that every relationship faces take an enormous toll on celebrity marriages.

Despite the challenges, this beautiful pair has some good things going for them. For one thing, Jessica and Justin are starting married life with a lot relationship experience as a couple under their belts. Five years gave them plenty of time to really learn about each other, take off their mask, and really see and know each other. Also, they’ve both managed successful careers, kept their private lives private, survived a break-up and even with all the numerous available options (the emphasis is on numerous) available to them, they have come together to say, “I do, with YOU.”

How can Jessica & Justin keep the smiles on their faces and the glow in their hearts burning long after the wedding excitement dies down as they return to their ordinary (er…extraordinary) lives once again?

Here are some tips for Jessica & Justin, but truly for anyone who wants a thriving, happy, loving, and long-lasting relationship:

1. Give each other attention. Spend quality time together, communicating, sharing, building your friendship, and having fun. Let’s face it, we all want to know that we are loved, valued, accepted, and known—even movie stars. It’s important to demonstrate to your partner, in words and actions, that you love them.
When apart (working on a film shoot or promoting your next big project), keep the communication flowing and interactive: Text message, instant messaging, sexting, Skype date nights, anything that says, “Wishing you were here with me. I love you.”

Celebrities, like us regular people, have a lot of distractions and responsibilities that can take time away from relationship. Too many distractions and too much time apart can certainly fizzle the sizzle of romantic love because it creates a strain on the friendship and chips away at trust. Combat this by keeping the conversation and communication flowing. When something doesn’t feel right, speak up right away and vow to work through it.

2. Appreciate each other. Be generous with praise, gratitude and acknowledgement. Accentuating the positive and acknowledging what is good in each other and in the relationship, has positive effects on both partners. Let your partner know OUT LOUD when you are thinking GOOD things about them. It makes them feel good and it’s so easy to do!

3. Be affectionate. Studies have shown that affectionate touch actu¬ally boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hor¬mone that influences bonding and attachment. So embrace, kiss and touch regularly. Show your partner that you’re there for them, physically, with a hug, or a light touch on the shoulder as you walk past. It takes little time to open your arms to one another, but these little displays of affection have HUGE benefits.

Here’s a simple truth: you get out of a relationship what you put into it. You’ve got to make love deposits into your relationship “account” daily in order to maintain a healthy love balance.

Just as your car needs fuel and your body needs food, an intimate relationship needs quality time together, candid communication and thoughtful acts of loving kindness on a daily basis to keep the romance flowing and the friendship growing.

Jessica & Justin will both need to overcome the challenges of their celebrity careers and make their relationship their number one priority in order to keep their marriage thriving. Applying these tips for Affection, Attention and Appreciation will help this celebrity ‘super power couple’ prove their critics wrong by staying happily married for a long, long time!

We all have unique circumstances in our lives that make marriage more of a pragmatic reality than a “fairy tale” fantasy. Celebrities have even more challenges than the average person, despite what their lives may look like from the outside. Yet, by making love a priority every day, both Justin and Jessica, and you, too, can make your relationship, and therefore your life, a whole lot sweeter.