CHATTING OR CHEATING
Sheri Meyers, Psy. D.

Dr. Sheri’s Tips for Cutting Down the Clicks

Recovering from an Internet addiction is just like recovering from any other addiction. In addition to committing to Internet “rehab”, you’ll need to address the underlying problems that led to your becoming susceptible to it in the first place, such as boredom, anxiety and depression.

Tip #1: Build up your “real life” social network. Quality real life relationships can lessen your need for online relationships.  Set aside time daily to spend totally UNPLUGGED with friends and family. 

Tip #2: Set use goals and stick to them. Limit the amount of time you spend online with the help of a timer. Commit to turning off your computer, tablet or smartphone after a certain hour in the evenings and spend that time with your family instead.

Tip #3: Treat the Internet as a tool, not as a best friend.  Technology has become an indispensible pipeline of information  and interaction and thus, is hard, if not impossible to give it up entirely. Be mindful of the exact reason you’re getting online and stick to that reason. Don’t let a check of the weekend weather turn into a two-hour stint following threads on Facebook.

Tip #4: Alter your routine, break your usage patterns.  Take note of the times of day you’re most vulnerable to mindlessly surfing the Internet and then take action to disrupt those habits with alternative behavior: take a walk, call a friend, play with your kids or pets, or run an errand. 

Just like any other addiction, there will be withdrawal symptoms when you take away the drug of choice—in this case, the dopamine hit you get from Internet use. You’ll look for ways to justify going back to it, and you’ll have slip ups every now and then. The key is to not let small setbacks lead to a major failure. Be compassionate with yourself and ask for help when you need it. Take it one day at a time. Eventually, you’ll find yourself able to enjoy the Internet and social media for what it was intended to be—a tool that adds fun and interest to everyday life—and not something that it was never intended to be—an escape from everyday life.

Do you have any advice for overcoming addiction?

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers, America’s leading love and intimacy expert, and published on the Katie Show.  To see the ORIGINAL post please click here.

 

When does being constantly connected and forming cyber relationships cross the line between one of life’s little pleasures into a full-blown and dangerous cyber- addiction? Take this quiz to find out…

Ah…the allure of the Internet and social media.  Nowadays, our computers, smart phones, gaming devices and tablets have become the virtual gateway and convenient one-stop wonderland for many of our personal, social, professional and recreational needs.  Logging on can bring instant relief to feelings of loneliness, stress and boredom, supplying an unlimited source of entertainment and stimulation anytime, anyplace 24/7.

 With every notification, tweet, comment or “like”, you get a little thrill in the form of a shot of dopamine, a feel-good brain chemical that is released during pleasurable experiences, such as falling in love or riding a roller coaster.  That cocktail of brain chemistry can easily lead to a dangerous addiction, hazardous to your relationship as any substance abuse.   Part stimulant, part emotional tranquilizer, it’s easy to get hooked.     

GOING ONLINE IS LIKE GETTING HIGH ON A DRUG

You find yourself  spending time more and more time  online, triggering the click that will get that you that next “hit.” The time you spend online seems to fly.  You tell yourself (and your family) that you’re just going to check your status, do some research, get some work done and hours later, you realize you’ve spent the entire evening online—AGAIN.

Meanwhile, you find yourself zoning out with your kids or spouse, thinking about the last thing you posted and whether anyone has read it. You can’t seem to tolerate boredom, and lately, your days feel more and more boring when you’re not online.

ARE YOU ADDICTED?  

Take the Quiz and Find Out…

Answer one of three ways:  Always    Sometimes     Never

1. How often do you check your e-mail, send a text, or make a post before doing something else that you really need to do?

2. How often do you choose the stimulation of the Internet to intimacy with your partner or spending quality time with your kids?

3. How often do you put aside other work, chores and responsibilities to spend more time online?

4. How often do your kids, partner or family complain about the amount of time you spend online?

5. How often do you get angry or annoyed when a family member talks to you while you’re online? 

6. How often do you feel anxious, unhappy, restless or moody when you are off-line, which disappears once you are back on-line?

7. How often do you turn to the Internet for soothing or distraction when you are upset, bored or lonely?

8. How often do you lose sleep or feel exhausted the next day because of late night log-ins or texting?

9. How often does your real life seem dull in comparison with how you feel when you are online?

10. How often do you stay online longer than you planned and keep telling yourself “just a few more minutes”?

11. How often have you promised to cut back on the time you spend online, texting, or emailing and failed?

12. How often do you minimize or deny the amount of time you spend online when asked by your partner, family or friends?

Scoring

Tally up how many times you answered “always”, “sometimes” and “never.”

If you answered “never”, CONGRATULATIONS, you are NOT addicted to the Internet.

If you answered “always”  to 2 or more  OR “sometimes” to 4 or more of the above questions, it’s time to consider some Internet Rehab.   Click HERE to read my recommendations to help you break your addiction and get your life back on track. 

Part 2 – Relationship Rehab:  Dr Sheri’s Tips for Reducing the Clicks

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers, America’s leading love and intimacy expert, and published on the Katie Show.  To see the ORIGINAL post please click here.

 

 

How to Confront Your Cheating Partner:  4 Things You Need to Know and Do

The signs are there.  You suspect your partner is cheating and having a cyber, emotional or physical affair.  You might be feeling betrayed, hurt and unsure how to proceed.  Your natural impulse is to immediately confront your partner and let them have it.  However, a word to the wise, stop and take a deep breath!  Don’t make any accusations until you have concrete evidence to make your case and secure a confession.

Here’s why: when first confronted about the affair, your partner may clam up, deny, and deceive to protect themselves from the fallout.  They fear being abandoned, punished or rejected if the truth is discovered.  They fear losing control and being forced to change.  They may also want to protect you from being hurt.

So what is the best way to proceed?

As a relationship therapist and author of a book called “Chatting or Cheating”, here’s my best advice: If your goal is to get to the truth, make sure you have the 4 P’s covered: Proof, Preparation, Purpose & Plan  before talking to your partner.

Here’s what you need to know and do:

1. Have proof.

Before you even consider confronting your partner, it is essential that  you have proof – not a hunch, an idea or a fear, but REAL, TANGIBLE proof of the infidelity, such as a text, email, or voicemail message, a private detective’s report, a piece of clothing you found that doesn’t belong to you, or even photographs, —something that you can produce as indisputable evidence.

Without proof, you will look (or be treated) like a distrusting fool at best and, at worst, you will ensure that your cheating partner learns to cover their tracks better.

Proof will also help you plow through your own denial. When we love and want to trust someone, it can create huge blind spots in our ability to see the truth. Let’s face it, to hear your partner admit that he or she has cheated on you hurts to the core.  However, the truth can also be the doorway to a better and healthier relationship on the other side.

The more proof you possess, the greater the chance you’ll have to get your partner to come clean.

PROOF is your ally.

Only when you have PROOF can you proceed.

2. Be prepared.

When you first confront your partner, don’t be surprised, be prepared that your partner may get defensive, adamantly deny  any and all wrongdoing and dismiss everything (i.e. “We’re just good friends, that’s all.”, “We’re not having sex, so what’s the big deal?” “Lighten up. It was just a totally harmless text.”)

When it comes to emotional or cyber infidelity where no physical intimacy has occurred, the boundaries are blurrier. It is often easy for the betrayer to deceive themselves (and you) into thinking their behavior is meaningless and harmless.   Their denial may be even more defensive or aggressive.

Cheaters often use distraction as a tactic to deflect the truth by claiming you’re overly jealous or too paranoid. They may even blame you for the time they were spending  with someone else, claiming they needed a supportive friend because you were dropping the ball in the relationship by not providing something your partner needed or wanted.

The bottom line is, do your homework and be prepared. DON’T be surprised by your partner’s reaction, and DON’T lose your cool.

3. Know your purpose.

The purpose is to get the truth by getting your partner to confess. Once you have a confession and know what’s really going on, you can work at a solution.

To do this, you must approach your partner in a rational, non-threatening way that alleviates your partner’s fear instead of aggravating it.   The intention is to get your partner to respond in a way that is forthright and honest.

Keep affirming to yourself… “I feel calm. I am safe. I can handle this. I want the secretiveness to stop. I’m in charge here and I’m going to get to the bottom of this.”

Your partner will probably be in shock and denial. But no matter what your partner says or does, your purpose is to persevere until you get to the truth.

4. Make a plan. 

Make a plan to confront your partner and discuss the affair without interruptions. Choose the time and place carefully, then present the evidence one piece at a time.

It is very important to remain calm, no matter how much you may want to inflict physical harm on your cheating partner! Don’t get me wrong, wanting to vent is healthy and necessary. In fact, it is essential to your own healing, as well as, the healing of your relationship that you are able to express your emotions.

However, getting upset, accusing, attacking, or name-calling will put your partner on the defensive and not help you get to the truth.

Remaining calm, cool, and collected is key to getting to the truth. Have a plan for how you’ll deal with your anger and frustration when these emotions come up.   The more calmly you deal with the truth, the more your partner will tell you the truth.

Do a personal check in and make sure that you are emotionally prepared for the outcome of the discussion.

When the answer is “Yes! I’m ready!”    Here’s what to do next:

Think Conversation NOT Confrontation

Approach your partner in a  rational, non-threatening way.

First,  remember to do everything you can humanly do to stay calm so that you can approach your partner in a diplomatic, non-combative way.   A good way to start the conversation is to talk about yourself and  start each sentence with “I” instead of “you.” This will help your partner be less reactive.

Second,  do not hurl accusations. Ask. Be curious. Be open.  Inside, you might be feeling pretty pissed off and  saying, “How could my partner do it to me?”  “I want to strangle them, not be kind and understanding right now!” HOWEVER, to get what you want…the ANSWERS and TRUTH, you have to make sure that when you ask, you’re coming from a place of openness and a desire to know.  Phrase the problem in a non-judgmental way by stating, “Something I discovered is upsetting me. I’m concerned (sad, hurt, frustrated) and I’d like to talk with you about it.”  This will maximize your chances of being heard and ultimately  getting the truth.

Lastly, once your partner starts to open up, don’t bombard him or her with questions. Studies show that people shut down, become defensive and lie when asked too many pointed questions (i.e. Who were you with? Why did you lie? How could you do this to me?).  Know that this is an ongoing, unfolding discussion and everyone needs to come out of the shock and denial first.  Listen carefully to your partner’s responses so you can accurately assess the situation and keep the conversation going.

It helps to think of having this conversation as a way to come together to understand  and discuss what went wrong and what you can do about it now. Keep insisting: “I love you. I want our relationship to work. This has got to stop. This is what I need.”  If you can approach your partner with an expressed desire to use their confession for good–to ultimately improve your relationship–the conversation will be far more fruitful.

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers Psy.D., America’s leading love and intimacy expert.