Is the Elephant in the Room Actually a Mistress or New Lover?

posted by Dr. Sheri   | 0 Comment(s)

Have you ever had a sinking feeling in your gut when your mate says or does something that just doesn’t feel right? You know this person. You’ve spent countless hours hearing their thoughts, shared common experiences, and could finish their sentences. But then one day, as soon as the one you love enters the room, you sense something is off. Their eyes– an odd glance– gives it away. You ask, “what’s wrong?” and get, “Nothing,” in return. But you don’t feel better. Are you going crazy?

You’re not crazy. It’s called your intuition, and you should listen to it.

People who are cheated on usually don’t suspect anything, and are the “last” to find out about an affair. Do you see any red flags in your mate? Does your gut tell you that something is going on?

When your partner is having a cyber, emotional, or sexual affair, the most subtle hints can give off clues, or “red flags” of a sinister secret being kept. The behavior can be as obvious as the self-proclaimed “workaholic” who keeps later and later nights at the office, to a covert operation like keeping secret passwords or answering calls in private or excusing themselves from dinner to receive an important text. When you question your partner about why all the secrecy and exclusion, they snap back quickly with a logical explanation, or accuse you of “snooping,” or not trusting them enough.

Cheaters are good at transferring the guilt onto you. Don’t believe the hype.

In Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship, Dr. Sheri Meyers covers the many red flags to be aware of when your partner is waving them. Some of the tell tale signs are as follows:

• Aloof/emotionally distant. Your partner may seem zoned out, lost in thoughts, or has shut themselves off from being “there for you” when it comes to emotional support. When he or she is home, you still feel a lonely void, unable to share your thoughts. Or, they have stopped sharing theirs with you, completely.
• Disinterested in you, your problems, or making plans in the future. You bring up a problem, and your partner invalidates the severity, or begins to “one up you” on his or her personal problems. When was the last time he or she made time for a date night? Do they make excuses about work or otherwise to avoid future plans with you?
• Easily annoyed, distracted, or argumentative. When an affair has begun, the cheater’s guilt and shame needs to be “sugar-coated” and the affair justified. Your cheating partner will try to find ways to blame you for their indiscretions. They may pick fights in order to get you to go ballistic or shut down. They may be easily offended by things you say or do. Making you the bad guy helps the cheater feel better and more justified about their actions. Putting you on the defensive by accusing you of being crazy, paranoid, or irrational gets you off the cheater’s back.
• Unavailability/spells of avoidance. Your partner is becoming more and more evasive about how they spend their time and is wanting/needing more time for themselves. You try calling your mate on their cell phone, and get voicemail. When you ask why they didn’t return your call, the answer is, “the battery needed charging, and I couldn’t call you.” Sound familiar? If that person is an available and loving partner, the phone will be charged, answered or you will be texted back as soon as possible. After all, there is nothing to hide and they don’t want you to worry.

• Spending more time online/with other people. You may not have questioned why your mate is spending so much time online, going out after work with friends for drinks or suddenly taking more workshops than ever before, but does it seem like it’s happening more regularly? So let me ask you, does your partner have a routine of spending hours in front of a computer screen– even late into the night? How much back and forth texting, emailing and attention is your partner giving a co-worker or pal these days? Is more attention going OUT and less coming to you?

Remember: if something doesn’t feel right, you’re probably onto something.

Your gut may be picking up signals that something’s different, something is definitely wrong. When you feel something is different in your relationship, it’s usually for a good reason. Many times when you try to bring your concerns to the table, a cheating partner will turn your suspicions back on you by calling you “jealous” or “imagining things.” They might even say you’re “smothering them.” So how do you know the difference between being too intrusive and being aware of a possible affair?

Here are the key questions to ask yourself:

• Is there more distance? You and your partner are less connected than usual.
• Is your partner more secretive? Clues are sneaking away to text or answer the phone, changing passwords, hiding things that were once out in the open.
• Is there an increased usage of cell phone activity or time spent on the internet?
• Are you feeling needlessly insecure and don’t know why?
• Do you wonder where the love went? You feel empty in the emotional bank.

If you answered yes to any of the above, it may be time to heed the red flags that all may not be right in heartland. The attempt to hide/avoid/blame/distract/ or lie are signals that your partner could be checking out of the relationship with you and into a world that involves someone else.

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers, America’s leading love and intimacy expert. 

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