CHATTING OR CHEATING
Sheri Meyers, Psy. D.

 The way you talk, listen, look, hug, make love, move and react all speak volumes about the state of your emotions and what your body really wants to say.     What silent signals are you sending?

What is YOUR Body Language Really Communicating?

Often it’s the things you don’t say that speak louder than what you do say. Most communication that we send and receive is wordlessly spoken through our facial expressions, body positioning, pace, intensity and tone of voice. Sometimes, your body language is quite obvious and conscious, such as when you scowl and/or give the finger to the driver who just cut you off and almost caused an accident.

But then there are those times when you think you’re giving your partner the glowing reassurance he needs and what you get back is “so you don’t really like it.” Huh? Or when you sincerely say “I want us to be closer” and he says “don’t look at me like that!” Like what?   What your body language is conveying makes the difference between being heard, known and received or discounted, ignored and disbelieved.

When you improve your own body language awareness, your ability to effectively communicate, hear and be heard and get what you want will multiply tenfold.

Use this 60 second body language check-in to tune in and make sure your verbal and nonverbal signals are in sync:

My body is…

1. Stiff, clenched, crossed, tight-fisted
2. Swaying, rocking, fidgeting
3. Fatigued, sleepy, droopy
4. Comfortable and alert. Shoulders and back are relaxed. Body is open, uncrossed, slightly leaning forward.

My facial expression is…

1. Angry and annoyed
2. Tense and nervous
3. Bored and disinterested
4. Emotionally present, calm, friendly and interested

My eye contact is…

1. Intense and aggressive
2. Anxious and shifting
3. Unfocused, unresponsive, looking away
4. Focused and calm

My breathing is…

1. Shallow and rapid
2. Stressed and nervous
3. Labored and difficult
4. Deep, slow, full and relaxed

My tone is…

1. Tight, forced or restricted
2. Whining, sulking or shrill
3. Angry, demanding or frustrated
4. Loving, positive, confident and friendly

My reaction is…

1. Too fast: I’m defensive and argumentative.
2. Too slow: My attention is drifting in and out.
3. Deflective: I’m turning away, blaming, not listening.
4. Responsive and inquisitive: I’m emotionally available, listening, interested, wanting to understand.

Obviously, number four is the ideal state you want to be in.

Here’s a little secret: The messages your body sends are usually aligned with your emotions. You can begin to make your body and words more congruent by first asking yourself “what is my emotional state right now?” The minute you feel your shoulders tense, jaw tighten or fists clench, it’s time to do an emotional check-in.

And don’t forget to watch your breathing!  Breathing deep and comfortably naturally influences your mood and thoughts, how your brain and body function and how sensitive your nerves are. Taking a few deep breaths can give you the pause you need to emotionally check in and purposely coordinate your body language with what your mouth (and heart) wants to say.

Knowing and dealing with your underlying emotions before speaking and reacting will help you avert miscommunication.  When you match your body language with your words, you deliver a cohesive, congruent message that says what you mean and means what you say.

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers, America’s leading love and intimacy expert, and was originally published on SheKnows.com. To see post click here.

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How to Confront Your Cheating Partner:  4 Things You Need to Know and Do

The signs are there.  You suspect your partner is cheating and having a cyber, emotional or physical affair.  You might be feeling betrayed, hurt and unsure how to proceed.  Your natural impulse is to immediately confront your partner and let them have it.  However, a word to the wise, stop and take a deep breath!  Don’t make any accusations until you have concrete evidence to make your case and secure a confession.

Here’s why: when first confronted about the affair, your partner may clam up, deny, and deceive to protect themselves from the fallout.  They fear being abandoned, punished or rejected if the truth is discovered.  They fear losing control and being forced to change.  They may also want to protect you from being hurt.

So what is the best way to proceed?

As a relationship therapist and author of a book called “Chatting or Cheating”, here’s my best advice: If your goal is to get to the truth, make sure you have the 4 P’s covered: Proof, Preparation, Purpose & Plan  before talking to your partner.

Here’s what you need to know and do:

1. Have proof.

Before you even consider confronting your partner, it is essential that  you have proof – not a hunch, an idea or a fear, but REAL, TANGIBLE proof of the infidelity, such as a text, email, or voicemail message, a private detective’s report, a piece of clothing you found that doesn’t belong to you, or even photographs, —something that you can produce as indisputable evidence.

Without proof, you will look (or be treated) like a distrusting fool at best and, at worst, you will ensure that your cheating partner learns to cover their tracks better.

Proof will also help you plow through your own denial. When we love and want to trust someone, it can create huge blind spots in our ability to see the truth. Let’s face it, to hear your partner admit that he or she has cheated on you hurts to the core.  However, the truth can also be the doorway to a better and healthier relationship on the other side.

The more proof you possess, the greater the chance you’ll have to get your partner to come clean.

PROOF is your ally.

Only when you have PROOF can you proceed.

2. Be prepared.

When you first confront your partner, don’t be surprised, be prepared that your partner may get defensive, adamantly deny  any and all wrongdoing and dismiss everything (i.e. “We’re just good friends, that’s all.”, “We’re not having sex, so what’s the big deal?” “Lighten up. It was just a totally harmless text.”)

When it comes to emotional or cyber infidelity where no physical intimacy has occurred, the boundaries are blurrier. It is often easy for the betrayer to deceive themselves (and you) into thinking their behavior is meaningless and harmless.   Their denial may be even more defensive or aggressive.

Cheaters often use distraction as a tactic to deflect the truth by claiming you’re overly jealous or too paranoid. They may even blame you for the time they were spending  with someone else, claiming they needed a supportive friend because you were dropping the ball in the relationship by not providing something your partner needed or wanted.

The bottom line is, do your homework and be prepared. DON’T be surprised by your partner’s reaction, and DON’T lose your cool.

3. Know your purpose.

The purpose is to get the truth by getting your partner to confess. Once you have a confession and know what’s really going on, you can work at a solution.

To do this, you must approach your partner in a rational, non-threatening way that alleviates your partner’s fear instead of aggravating it.   The intention is to get your partner to respond in a way that is forthright and honest.

Keep affirming to yourself… “I feel calm. I am safe. I can handle this. I want the secretiveness to stop. I’m in charge here and I’m going to get to the bottom of this.”

Your partner will probably be in shock and denial. But no matter what your partner says or does, your purpose is to persevere until you get to the truth.

4. Make a plan. 

Make a plan to confront your partner and discuss the affair without interruptions. Choose the time and place carefully, then present the evidence one piece at a time.

It is very important to remain calm, no matter how much you may want to inflict physical harm on your cheating partner! Don’t get me wrong, wanting to vent is healthy and necessary. In fact, it is essential to your own healing, as well as, the healing of your relationship that you are able to express your emotions.

However, getting upset, accusing, attacking, or name-calling will put your partner on the defensive and not help you get to the truth.

Remaining calm, cool, and collected is key to getting to the truth. Have a plan for how you’ll deal with your anger and frustration when these emotions come up.   The more calmly you deal with the truth, the more your partner will tell you the truth.

Do a personal check in and make sure that you are emotionally prepared for the outcome of the discussion.

When the answer is “Yes! I’m ready!”    Here’s what to do next:

Think Conversation NOT Confrontation

Approach your partner in a  rational, non-threatening way.

First,  remember to do everything you can humanly do to stay calm so that you can approach your partner in a diplomatic, non-combative way.   A good way to start the conversation is to talk about yourself and  start each sentence with “I” instead of “you.” This will help your partner be less reactive.

Second,  do not hurl accusations. Ask. Be curious. Be open.  Inside, you might be feeling pretty pissed off and  saying, “How could my partner do it to me?”  “I want to strangle them, not be kind and understanding right now!” HOWEVER, to get what you want…the ANSWERS and TRUTH, you have to make sure that when you ask, you’re coming from a place of openness and a desire to know.  Phrase the problem in a non-judgmental way by stating, “Something I discovered is upsetting me. I’m concerned (sad, hurt, frustrated) and I’d like to talk with you about it.”  This will maximize your chances of being heard and ultimately  getting the truth.

Lastly, once your partner starts to open up, don’t bombard him or her with questions. Studies show that people shut down, become defensive and lie when asked too many pointed questions (i.e. Who were you with? Why did you lie? How could you do this to me?).  Know that this is an ongoing, unfolding discussion and everyone needs to come out of the shock and denial first.  Listen carefully to your partner’s responses so you can accurately assess the situation and keep the conversation going.

It helps to think of having this conversation as a way to come together to understand  and discuss what went wrong and what you can do about it now. Keep insisting: “I love you. I want our relationship to work. This has got to stop. This is what I need.”  If you can approach your partner with an expressed desire to use their confession for good–to ultimately improve your relationship–the conversation will be far more fruitful.

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers Psy.D., America’s leading love and intimacy expert.

You just got dumped, or maybe you broke up with someone. You just want to curl up and retreat from the world.

It doesn’t matter if it was a long-term relationship, a short-lived cyber affair, an unrequited love or a good friends-with-benefits arrangement. If you cared and connected, you feel a deep and painful void where there was once laughter and affection. It’s like experiencing a small death.

Grieving over your lost love for a short time is understandable, but if you linger too long in the purgatory of how-it-used-to-be, your friends will eventually get tired of hearing you talk about your ex and advise you to “Get over it.”

You agree on some level. You know that you really ought to start getting on with life and move on. Every day starts with that intention. But every night ends with you wanting to call them, check out their Facebook page or look through old photos, just to feel closer to them.

Getting over it. Easy to say. Much harder to do.

And no wonder, because there’s a bio-chemical reason behind the desperation and despair.

Researchers who’ve looked at the brains of the lovelorn say that loss, especially rejection by a romantic partner, lights up areas of the brain that are associated with addiction. This can lead to psychological reactions that cause obsessive preoccupation with your partner, feelings of frenzied desperation, guilt over what you could have done differently and even physical pain. Letting go for good seems unimaginable.

Trust me, as both a relationship therapist and a veteran of countless breakups myself, I’ve seen it all and I get it. What I’ve discovered along the way is that you need a holistic approach to getting over a breakup, one that addresses the four core areas: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The following are highly effective strategies from the healing section my book using each of those four core areas to get you on the road to recovery from that breakup — fast.

PHYSICAL

1. Meditate, don’t medicate. Avoid overusing drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and coffee and resist the urge to stuff down your feelings using chocolate and food. You’ll only end up feeling worse about yourself. In times of stress, having a drink or eating a quart of ice cream may be tempting, but doing so will only cause you to spiral down into a depression, lose sleep and gain weight. Instead, take five minutes to sit quietly, meditate, practice yoga or deep breathing.

2. Eat healthfully and regularly. Your body can’t function properly without the proper nutrition. Don’t skip meals or resort to convenience food. Treat yourself as if you were your own child — eat wholesome meals that are balanced and freshly made.

3. Get plenty of sleep. There’s nothing more replenishing to your body than quality sleep. If you are having trouble going to sleep because of punishing, pain-producing thoughts, try this: Keep a journal by your bed, write down your anxieties and imagine them flowing out of you and onto the paper. Say, “I fully release you and let you go. I give myself permission to peacefully sleep.”

4. Exercise your blues away. The absence of pleasure-producing endorphins after a break up can make you feel sluggish and miserable. Exercise increases your endorphins. Join a health club, take the stairs instead of the elevator, walk to work, do some yoga or take a salsa lesson. Make a promise to do something active for 30 minutes a day for 30 days, no excuses.

EMOTIONAL

5. Feel your feelings. Don’t ignore or stuff them down. Let the tears flow and express your anger. Ignored emotions will only make you calloused and afraid. One way of unloading your feelings is to write out what might be too difficult to say out loud to others right now. Or better yet, start a dialogue with your broken heart, asking this part of you questions and giving it the solace and attention it needs right now.

6. Surround yourself with smiles and happy vibes. Make time for some feel good activities — anything from having a cup of tea with a friend to taking the kids to the zoo to playing a round of golf. Be sure to surround yourself with people that will uplift you, not unhappy ones that will just drag you down. Studies have shown that laughter or just smiling has a way of lifting your mood instantly.

MENTAL

7. Stop obsessing. All those obsessive thoughts and instant replays of would of, could of, should of head trips must stop NOW. The best way to do it is to say, “STOP!” If the thoughts won’t stop, then say, “NO! STOP NOW!” If they persist, then continue, “ENOUGH! NO MORE! STOP!”

Saying “STOP!” interrupts the obsessive thought process and breaks the cycle of pain. Immediately, redirect your thoughts away to something good that is happening in your life.

8. Take a 60-second vacation. Thinking relaxing thoughts and verbalizing calming statements starts the healing process and helps you lessen anxiety. Take a deep breath and say out loud, “I am calm. I am safe and I can handle this.” Anything from smelling a flower to petting an animal can help take you away for even a minute, which starts the process of feeling free.

SPIRITUAL

9. Gratitude is grounding. Have you ever noticed that it’s impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time? Gratitude can transform pain into love and bring peace to your emotional chaos. Remind yourself of all the things you’re grateful for. Better yet, write it down. This strategy works miracles for bringing you out of any gloomy mood.

10. Give to others. Studies show that the happiest people are ones who give the most to others. When you’re depressed, anxious or stressed, there is a high degree of focus on the self. Focusing on the needs of others literally helps shift your thinking and your mood from victimhood to empowerment.

When you’re feeling down after a breakup, you may feel like you want to avoid the very activities that will actually make you feel better — exercise, visiting friends, being kind to those in need. As much as you might want to, avoid isolating yourself from others. Ask for help and talk to a friend who you know is a good listener. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Don’t think of this as time wasted because you aren’t with that special person, but as precious time you need to reinvest in a healthier, more grounded and more spiritually enlightened you.

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers, America’s leading love and intimacy expert. Originally posted on The Huffington Post

Recently, I appeared as a guest on the CBS New York talk show, “The Couch”, during which we discussed the red flags of infidelity with the three co-hosts. We had a great time playing a little game that I call “Chatting or Cheating?”

Here’s how it went: I presented a scenario, then the three co-hosts held up a sign to vote whether they thought the person discussed in the scenario was guilty of cheating or were just innocently chatting. They were right about half the time! It just goes to show you that there’s a fine line between a platonic friendship and a secretive affair. To a casual observer, it’s hard to tell what’s really going on.

Watch the video to see if you could tell.

Would YOU be able to tell if your partner was cheating? What would tip you off? What are the signs?

Want to give it a try for yourself?

Here are several other scenarios for you to consider. Read each one and ask yourself, is this cheating, or is it just chatting? Why or why not? Then scroll down to compare your answer with mine.

Ready? Here we go…

Scenario 1: Parent “Play Dates”

You strike up a conversation with another parent at your child’s baseball practice. You make plans to carpool to the games together. You begin to dress differently (more attractively) when you know you’re going to see this parent and think about ways to stretch the time you spend together. You often suggest taking the kids out after the games, or hanging out together during the kids’ extended play dates. You think about this parent often and wonder what life would be like if you were together.

Are you just chatting or crossing the line into cheating?

My Analysis: Scenario 1: Parent Play Dates
This is definitely a slippery slope for emotional sex and more!

You are finding yourself thinking more and more about this other parent, and you are going out of your way to figure out how to see more of them. You are trying to look more attractive, dressing better, perhaps wearing make-up at times you normally would not (if you’re a woman). It’s important to ask yourself why do you want to look so attractive to this person?

Plus, the more time you spend alone together, the better chance there is that you will cross the line from emotional sex to actual physical sex. When you begin to make excuses to yourself as to WHY you should spend more time with this person, while keeping your interactions secret from your primary partner, that’s when you know you’re headed down a slippery slope. (In Chapter 7 of my book, “Chatting or Cheating?” I discuss ways to stop obsessing and end the infatuation so that you don’t end up doing something you’ll regret later.)

Scenario 2: Flirting at Work

You started to work back at your old job and there is a co-worker there that you were seeing for a while before you met and (married or started dating) your partner. Although you feel like you are a faithful person and committed to your current partner and relationship, you are enjoying the sparks and chemistry you still feel between you. You go out to lunches together, laugh and mildly flirt but nothing MORE. You know in your heart that you’d never cheat but the feelings you have makes going to work a lot more fun.

When does the fun cross the line into cheating?

My Analysis: Scenario 2: Flirting at Work
It sounds like it’s just innocent mild flirting and probably nothing to worry about. Sometimes we can’t avoid being near people with whom we’ve had a former relationship, or whom we’ve dated in the past, especially if it’s someone we work with.

The red flag would be if you or your partner wasn’t being honest about the extent of the flirtation, or went on extended lunch dates so you could spend more time together, or you developing crush-like feelings and were being secretive about it.

Secrecy is a sign there’s something to hide and that you or your partner don’t want to stop doing what they’re doing with this other person because it feels good. That’s all part of the brain chemistry of cheating (the dopamine hit) and plays into why secrecy can actually INCREASE the likelihood that you or your partner will cheat. Keeping secrets can feel exciting! See Chapter 1 of my book, “Chatting or Cheating” for the full scoop on the brain chemicals that lead to the slippery slope of emotional sex.

Scenario 3: Sparking the Old Flame

You discover over 300+ private messages between your partner and their old flame from college (who is single) on Facebook. In addition, you now know that they also regularly call and text each other. You’ve hacked into your significant other’s  e-mail account and read everything. Your partner tells this other person all about their problems (including your relationship problems) and goes on and on about how they wish they could be together. Your partner even proclaims that this other person is someone they’ve always dreamt of, but that they would never leave you.

Is this cheating, even though they haven’t had sex or even been physically together for years?

My Analysis: Scenario 3: Sparking the Old Flame

There are some big red flags that indicate the person is engaged in emotional sex. This scenario hits the 3 Big S’s of emotional sex– S#1-Secrecy, S#2- Shared Intimacy and S#3 -Sexual Chemistry. Let’s start with 300+ private messages that you didn’t know about. There is certainly a lot of S#1 going on. The husband or wife has been sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings with the other person, not you. Worse, they are discussing their problems about you and your relationship with this outside person and not you. Definitely S#2! This creates more emotional separation between you and more intimacy between them. They are looking to the other person to get their emotional needs met and there’s a lot of S#3 romantic fantasy and affection being exchanged. Even though there hasn’t been physical contact, there is an emotional bond and more being formed. It’s just a matter of time before the cyber relationship becomes a full-blown affair.

A huge breeding ground for infidelity is when we stop giving each other the 3 As: Affection, Attention and Appreciation at home and turn outside to get those needs met.

To learn more about the RED FLAGS and tell-tale signs that your partner is crossing the line into cheating, take a look at my book, “Chatting or Cheating” which can be found on Amazon & Barnes & Noble.

There are ways to protect your primary relationship from cheating that are fully in your control. You can stay alert for temptations and choose your friends wisely (in other words, if you know you’re vulnerable, stay away from attractive friends of the opposite sex, especially if they’re flirtatious!). You can keep your personal life personal when you’re chatting with a friend, and you can refrain from any kind of flirting. Flirting is how affairs start. It’s like a drug – once you get a hit, you keep wanting to come back for more and more. And if you find yourself attracted to someone, be honest about it to yourself and your primary partner. Getting these feelings out in the open can keep you from being tempted.

Put your energy and attention into making your primary relationship stronger by growing your emotional intimacy and friendship with your partner, not a stranger.

Wising you love and light,
Dr. Sheri

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers, America’s leading love and intimacy expert.

Editor’s note: I’m happy to have been asked by Nicole  Cantanese @ Refinery 29.com  to offer my opinion on social media. This article originally appeared on their site. 

Ah, social media. You’ve got followers, friends, and even strangers liking what you did today. With every new notification, you get a little shot of dopamine (that’s the feel-good chemical that fires off in pleasure-seeking situations, as in jumping off a plane or, well, doing drugs). So, you want to keep pressing refresh to get another dose. And then, you realize that what’s happening in your real life isn’t nearly as exciting. “Social media—Twitter, Instagram, Facebook—can create a false sense of connection with people,” says Sheri Meyers, PsyD, a therapist in Los Angeles (and author of Chatting or Cheating) “And, it’s immediate and 24/7, so there isn’t as much of a need to reach out to those that are close to us.”

Eventually, real life pays the price — because when it’s not as satisfying as the cyber version, it can lead to feeling down about what you have going on (or don’t have going on). “The life we possess virtually can seem more exciting or interesting than what’s happening in real life and real time,” Meyers says. “Online, you’re constantly on the receiving end of a sense of approval, which feels really good. What isn’t healthy is when you turn more and more to your cyber friends for approval, satisfaction, and that dopamine hit. Then, you stop trying to connect and relate with the people closest to you.”

Remember when we mentioned the dopamine-narcotics connection? Turns out that you can actually get hooked on social media, too. “Internet addiction is real,” says Meyers. “The same brain chemicals that get activated from drugs or any pleasure-seeking behavior apply here, too.” When those happy chemicals plummet, you have to keep going back to the “drug” — i.e., picking up your iPhone to check the latest tweet — to get the boost again. And, it’s not doing any favors for your relationship, either: “Once you are spending time away from your partner and in social media, and you start getting your needs met there, then you are no longer seeking out that attention from your loved one,” she warns. “In the end, you will only feel lonelier.”

Social media aims to bring us closer, but too much of a good thing can be problematic. Rationally, we all know that comparing ourselves to others isn’t healthy, but with an endless stream of humblebrags and not-so-humble brags, it’s difficult not to do so. But, says Meyers, that’s a distorted view of reality, because people tend to broadcast the good stuff, not the bad. “When you begin to compare yourself with others, which is a natural human tendency, that creates a weak foundation to stand upon,” she says. “And when you think, ‘Look who liked my photo!’ or ‘Look how many friends or followers I have!’ you’re on shallow ground.” Eventually, you’ll possibly feel less-than, or you may develop a falsely boosted ego — neither of which are ideal.

Of course, social media isn’t all bad; constantly reaching for your iPhone does have its upsides. “In a way, it can be positive, since social media gives us a distraction from pain in our life,” says Meyers. “It could be a way to get our mind off of it, but you still need to cope with it.” And, if used to help others, a tweet can be a good thing indeed.

Beyond that, it’s important to set boundaries and rules. “Just like you are allowed a certain amount of chocolate, you can’t eat as much as you want,” says Meyers. “You need to feed your real life as much as your online social life.” So, maybe you put the iPad down while eating dinner, or take a weekend off from social media apps. It’s all part of shifting your focus. Instead of thinking ‘I’m so great! I have 20 new followers,’ be thankful for legitimate moments of happiness, not what’s found on your news feed. Get out into the real world, create a true memory without needing to broadcast it — and before you know it, you’ll be #lovingyourlife.

by Nicole Cantanese.  Originally posted on Refinery 29

MORE ON THIS TOPIC: Here’s an interview I did with ABC on Internet Addiction

Facebook is a HUGE issue in relationships today. Every day I hear about people starting affairs or finding out about infidelity through Facebook.

Recently, I appeared on the “Steve Harvey” show, where I offered advice to a married couple that was dealing with the aftermath of the husband’s affair.

The husband had a sexual relationship with his mistress. His affair was discovered by his wife, who found out from looking at his Facebook page. Now he claims the affair is over.

But there’s only one problem: He’s still “friends” with her on Facebook.

Can this marriage be saved?

What should the wife do?

Find out by watching a clip from the show, where I give the couple my advice on the FIRST thing the husband needs to do in order to get their marriage back on track.

With the rampant use, ease and instant access that technology offers, meeting, getting intimate, cheating and staying connected to your lover has never been easier or more dangerous.

It’s dangerous because an innocent friendship on Facebook between two people who intend to chat, not cheat, can quickly evolve into MORE and engulf a person who never intended to stray in the first place.

In actuality, most INFIDELITY doesn’t occur because it’s planned but because people stop giving the relationship the vital attention it needs and start looking outside to get their connection needs met. They then find themselves in situations where their emotions completely overwhelm (and even surprise) them.

Your thoughts?

Please add your comments, suggestions or questions below.

This article was written by Dr. Sheri Meyers, America’s leading love and intimacy expert.

Do you suspect your partner is cheating?  

Here are two more videos from backstage after the show that may help.

How to Confront Your Cheating Partner

Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating on You

Please add your thoughts,  comments, suggestions or questions below.

MORE HELPFUL LINKS ON THIS TOPIC:

After the Affair: How to Repair
7 Indicators That You’re Not Immune from An Affair
Has Your Online Friendship Crossed the Line? Take the Chatting or Cheating Test